Ain’t no use pretending

Everything is never going to be ok.  So I had an ok day.  Slept in way longer than I meant to, didn’t get up til almost 11, so I didn’t get on the road until almost noon.  : {  I had planned on hitting the road about 10am or so.  Nope, forgot to set my alarms to go off.  Ok, no big deal.  Packed up my car and headed home.  Had an uneventful trip, texted a little bit with Joyce to see if she would be coming out tonight to the bar with me.  Got home.  Was crafty for about 2 hours (I was making curtains for our apartment).  Then sat and went through some old computer files, deleted a bunch of them and then mum got home.  We had some dinner and I got ready and went out.

Everything still seems ok.  I get to the bar and within minutes my shoulders and back are tense as shit and all I want is to have my shoulders rubbed.  The only guy who has ever (and I mean EVER) done that for me is Geo who I was expecting to come out.  Now as far as I knew Geo was single…turns out that’s not the case but no big deal.  It’s not like it’s real shocking news I mean this is my life we’re talking about.  However he has to go and give me the line "You’re cool and I like hanging out with you, but you know I’m dating *****."  And?  "Well I just don’t want things to get awkward or anything because I’m seeing someone."  They weren’t until you started talking.  Because I’d been bugging him all night to come out and walk with me.  Honestly all I wanted was my neck and shoulders rubbed and I didn’t want anybody to interrupt or something.  When I say it is a rare treat I mean, I’ve had only one guy…ok, honestly one PERSON in the world ever do that simple kindness for me, in spite of the fact that I rub the neck/shoulders of just about everyone I know and do a DAMN good job at it.  That was Geo.  If I knew nothing else about him, if I felt nothing else for him, that would make me think great things of him.  Well about 1:30am rolls around and by now my feet are killing me and my muscles being so tense has made my head start hurting so I’m kind of whatever anyway.  Hearing Geo come out with the whole him dating ****** just was the final straw.  I don’t dislike or anything now, I just don’t want others going around talking shit they don’t know about because he gives me a back rub and I don’t want to upset his girlfriend, even on accident, even if really it doesn’t mean anything.

I peaced out.  I didn’t say goodbye except to one of my friends and that was only because he’s still getting over the flu (I mean the guy has prescriptions for codeine at this point, that’s how sick he was) so I said I hoped he felt better.  He was also the only person who immediately realized I was leaving.  Literally I was almost home before Joyce finally seemed to realize I wasn’t in the bar.  I don’t think she’d realized I’d left.  A few minutes later (after I had not responded) she calls and leaves me a voicemail (my phone was on silent which is part of why I was not responding) and another text.  I finally tell her I’m home and she goes "Why didn’t you say bye?"  Didn’t want to.  What’s worse, none of you noticed and there was no way to be subtle about it.  I had to walk right by all of you on my way out, coat and purse in hand.  How could you not notice? 

Now I just feel like shit.  My feet and legs ache, my head is aching, my shoulders are so tense I am in pain from it and there’s this aching tightness in my chest that just feels like I’ve been … wasting my time.  I feel like none of my ‘friends’ even noticed that I was in pain.  They didn’t care that I left.  Nothing.  I feel like they wouldn’t miss me at all if I stopped being there.