a moment

So. Last night. About that. Didn’t go as planned. Not even close. Actually I don’t really know what my plans were other than to go and hang out and have a good time with some friends. I did for a while. The evening started pretty quiet, things were going well. Then Doug showed up. No big deal, at first. I just pretty much didn’t say anything to him. Then I ran into another ex (and when I say ex I mean it broadly to encompass pretty much any guy I have ever hooked up with, not just guys I’ve dated). Well this ex I have been dodging for months because we happen to frequent the same bar. It’s usually not a big deal, I’m with friends and he won’t approach. But if I’m alone at all he will come over and try to talk to me and I really don’t want to but I don’t want to just be a b!tch and tell him to leave me the heck alone. So there was that. Then of course I ran into Christian (yeah from a few months ago). And this all made me think of Quinn and our disastrous attempts at remaining friends (which I’m not going into, it’s too much). So I very quickly got into a mood. I had too much to drink. Not enough to be what I would consider drunk but I was definitely tipsy and I am not okay with it. I remember pretty much all of the night though some parts are clearer than others, others it’s like "what, wait that really happened?" I am not okay with it. I’m officially done drinking. I was straight-edge for years, I let all the frustration of my life get to me and then I did exactly what I never wanted to do, EVER! I was full on tipsy, and it was weird!! Never again.

Thankfully I have a very good buddy who was late to the party and didn’t drink and he was nice enough to follow me home and make sure I got home safe. We ended up hanging out for a few hours, swimming and talking and basically making sure that I was sobering up. It was kind of nice but in hindsight I shouldn’t have done it. Not because anything happened, because it didn’t, not even a kiss (I know Georgie you are probably as proud of me as I am with that knowledge considering I’m the freaking Make-out Queen LOL). Nope, nothing happened but I think he wanted it to a little bit. I don’t know. I don’t know if I got a real read on him or if it’s a little skewed from the alcohol that was still in my system. He held me, a lot. We’d float in the pool and he’d just be holding me, either front to front or he’d be cradling me. There were a few moments that I fuzzily remember his face getting pretty close to mine and me turning away or doing something and making sure that nothing happened. I also remember at one point telling him that he wasn’t allowed to like me, I just want friends and I’m tired of guys either liking me or becoming a-holes so he wasn’t allowed to do either or I’d be very mad at him. I don’t remember what his response was.

I remember at one point during the night I looked at Doug and told him he wasn’t allowed to speak to me, and at another point I called him out for avoiding me for a month and a half, at least I think I did. It’s one of those moments that are slightly hazier than others. But I remember 3 of us were talking and he came up saying he was leaving and we were convincing him to stay and that was part of my argument. He didn’t end up leaving but he stood over with some of our other friends. So I don’t know right now what I said and what I only thought of saying last night.

This is why I am not okay with the amount of alcohol I consumed last night. I am not okay with not knowing this kind of stuff. I am too OCD to not know what I might have done or said and what I might not have, what I might have only thought about. No lie, I was spazzing out when we got back to my house. Kale was laughing at me saying that I was acting worse then than I had been at the bar. He kept saying "you were fine, you were fine, no one would really know". UGH! They had to know. There was no way they couldn’t have. FAHK!!! *hangs head in shame*

Then I went to work this morning and was fine, totally fine up until about 1-1:30. Then I started getting the shivers and I was nauseas. I thought it might have been because I didn’t eat so I took a break and ate something but then it got worse and I started getting really dizzy on top of the other. So I ended up leaving work early. Sitting down I am not so dizzy. It’s like a weird momentary vertigo if I stare at something too long or I move just right (or wrong whatever you might say it is). The nausea is coming and going now that I’m home and laying/sitting down but I’m still getting the shivers (that weird full body shake that gives you goosebumps that happens for no reason, my grandmother used to say it was from someone walking on my grave, those kinds of shivers) though not as frequently as I was when I was standing up at work.

I’m going to go and take a nap and hope I wake up all better (I’d settle for mostly better at this point actually) but I felt I needed to write down what happened before I forgot or something. *yawn*