—a confession to make—

DISCLAIMER
The following entry may contain material that is uncomfortable to some readers.  If at any time you (the reader) begins to feel uncomfortable please feel free to hit the BACK button on your browser.  Notes are welcome however if you leave mean, nasty, demeaning, or upsetting comments you will be tracked down and have your knees broken.  Thank you for your time. : )I’ve been spending a lot of time in chat rooms lately, mostly out of boredom.  I’ve been in and out of these chats for months and I’ve met lots of nice people who I’ve come to be pretty ok with as friends.  Well a week or so ago I started chatting with a guy.  It was innocent at first, harmless idle chatter and cyber-flirting.  As I’m not getting any in real life I haven’t seen any issue with flirting in chat.  B and I are still not an item persay, we talk almost every day but both of us are trying to stay out of anything deep right now.  If it happens later on so be it but for now we are just kind of winging it.

But yeah, so there has been one particular guy whom I have started speaking with outside of the chatroom.  In point of fact we are cybersex partners but not like anything I’ve ever imagined.  We’ve talked for a while about things like sexual preferences and eventually our play became over-toned with lots of slave/master play.  Incredibly, it’s made me extremely turned on.  Reading and writing these play-sessions has made me realize that the idea of being controlled and dominated is incredibly appealing to me.  I’ve never really experimented with this kind of scenario in real life other than spanking which we all know doesn’t really fall into the D/s category unless you are playing it that way.

In real life I’ve never met anyone who wanted to participate in D/s play.  Plus I never thought it was ‘acceptable’ to be interested in it or to ask if someone I was with was interested in it.  Plus the idea of being abused doesn’t appeal to me, let me make that very clear distinction.  I have not yet found any pain that turns me one (other than the previously mentioned spanking but again, that’s situational).  The idea of being bound is exciting to me in moderation.  No, the appeal to me in being a slave is purely psychological.  Something about the idea of serving someone, of being at someone’s beck and call, obedience (and punishment for disobedience where applicable) makes me shake with anticipation, makes every cell in my body start sparking with electric pulses like someone flipped a switch and a connection between wires has been established.

I’ve never been as excited by the idea of sex as I am when I’m talking to him.  He’s asked to come and see me but I’m afraid of it.  Understandably of course considering this is still a stranger to me no matter how much we talk or how intense the interaction is between us.  I’m also afraid that if he finally comes down and we meet I won’t feel for him as intensely as I do when we interact online.  He’s not an ugly man, he’s actually very good looking.  But we all know that sometimes you have impressions of people in one medium (like phone or internet) that doesn’t hold up when face-to-face.  Lord knows I’ve had plenty of instances of that happening.  And yes I’m putting the cart before the horse considering right now I have no intention of seeing my Master.  If things come to that then I will have to decide if it is what I want.

I also would have to decide if it’s something important enough that it must be considered when looking at the guys I want to date and be with.  I know it’s part of my personality to want to serve, I’m like that all the time with people I’m close to.  I like doing nice things for them to make them happy.  I like being given orders, particularly in the bedroom.  I like the idea of being controlled and dominated sexually even though I don’t like being completely obedient and I would be more likely to nail the guy in the nuts that tried to boss me around like a slave in front of my friends.  I’d probably kick his butt the he# out of my house.  >_>  My Master has already said he doesn’t want a total power exchange, he’s happy with just being my sexual master.

All of this so weird and new to me I have no idea how to respond to any of it.  *sigh*  Just trying to sort out my thoughts on all of this.  There are a lot and they’re all pretty confusing and jumbled together.  I’m trying mainly to sort out whether or not this is something I actually enjoy in reality but I haven’t found anyone in life that would show me these things. :  

*sighs*  Ok, too much thinking, too much information buzzing in my head I’m going to go and do other things with my time now…lol