Reason for the season?

As the holiday season comes to a close, I am finding myself coming deep into thought and also a little somber and disappointed. I had a very hard month between sickness and unnecessary stress and emotional meltdowns at work that it started to feel like my christmas spirit took a serious hit and was greatly diminished, which was so disheartening because christmas season is my absolute favorite. Does anyone else feel like there is a sort of sadness/emptiness following the passing of christmas day? It’s like there’s a deep sense of community and peace that passes with the stroke of midnight for December 26th. I am super family oriented and don’t need a reason for getting together or visiting with family, but for some odd reason, it just hits DIFFERENT on Christmas. There is literally something in the air that I have never been able to put my finger on. It just simply hits differently. Everything does. Everything is more special. Time spent is more crucial. Time spent is extra fun…

I was driving home from a gathering with my boyfriends friends, who have since become my friends. On my drive home, I found a “vintage” christmas playlist in spotify and I started to think about what my favorite christmas songs were: top 3. As they played and I listened, the sadness paired with a feeling of zen and peace passed through me, and I found myself thinking about how time passes and traditions won’t always be the same as they are now. 5, 10, 15 years from now they could look totally different and while I know that I can and have adapted with each change over the years, the thought of times changing becomes sad and almost scary. As an adult, at 37, the thought of not always having my parents around becomes more real and at the forefront of my thoughts now. I couldn’t imagine doing certain traditions and things without them. Will it feel the same? Will there be a void? Will I begin to resent all of the holidays, experiences, traditions and core memories because they don’t look/feel the same as they used to or will I adapt as I always have as family had come and gone, and traditions have changed over the years with the times? Eventually I will also be gone and time will still march on the way that it has for centuries.

O Holy Night by Celine Dion came on spotify on my drive home and while it is one of my favorite christmas songs, I found myself thinking about how my favorite christmas songs all sort of represent a deeper meaning to christmas than the commercialized version it has evolved into. I am not saying “jesus is the reason for the season” because I don’t really consider myself “religious”, but that christmas for me represents time with family, decorating, baking. It’s a VIBE. And an incredible vibe at that, as if there’s something in the air that is contagious, and produces a sort of high…which I guess is why I am always so sad to see it go.

I don’t consider myself religious. I was raised Roman Catholic and made all of my catechisms, but my view point for a long time now has been that religion is man made and just being a good person is good enough, but there is some part of me (catholic guilt or not? Not a clue) that recognizes a higher power and in times of dire need I do find myself looking to God to provide clarity, light, or resolution. The past few days, leading up to christmas, I have started to feel more curiousity on revisiting my catholic routes. Whether I explore that or not, or it’s a fleeting feeling/thought with the season has yet to be determined…

My reason for this “brain dump” as my first entry was just to get my thoughts out so maybe I can look back and reflect, or not. Regardless, this season of Christmas and family has stirred up thoughts, feelings, and emotions that I have never felt so deeply before until now. I don’t exactly know what to do with them, just yet, and that’s okay. Not sure yet what journey this is going to take me on, if any, but I guess I’ll stay tuned…

“Every day the clock resets…”

✌🏻❤️, Rachel

#christmas #corememories #latenightthoughts #braindump