What you’ve been waiting for

I don’t really want to see this diary die.  I’ve enjoyed having it and it’s been an important companion at various times in my life.  I’m just not updating the way I used to.  Obviously.  And today as I sit in front of the computer, I feel like I’m doing this more out of obligation than because I need to get my thoughts written down.  I feel like people probably want an update.  So, here goes:

Moms:  My moms officially have their house to themselves, and I suspect they’re pretty happy about it. They love and support their niece, of course, but I think they were completely fine when Cindy said they were going to be living full-time with me and Guy.  I’ve known for a while now that they have a somewhat kinky lifestyle, but as we’ve gotten older they’ve been less concerned about hiding it.

We all went to visit them on Mother’s Day last week.  I’ve always referred to my step-mom as "mom" and in many ways she has been like a mother to me, even though she wasn’t married to my real mom until a few years ago.  I am happy to celebrate them both on Mother’s Day and we all chipped in a got a gift for each of them.  It was also Cindy’s first Mother’s Day as a mother, so Guy and I got her a gift as well.  I know she totally didn’t expect it and it was fun to surprise her.

At one point I asked my moms if they had given each other anything for Mother’s Day and my mom said that they had each had breakfast in bed this morning, and then they both laughed.  Gross.  Honestly, I’m happy my mom has a wife who loves and supports her and that they seem so happy together.  I’m even happy to know they have an active sex life at their age.  I just don’t want to know any specifics.

We had reservations at a local restaurant and my moms were both nude when we arrived at their house.  They both threw on these simple summer dresses and said they were ready to go.  I have to admit I was mildly embarrassed.  Neither of them were wearing underwear of any sort and they weren’t really dressed appropriately for the weather or for the type of restaurant we were going to.  I mentioned it to Guy and he agreed, but also said he’s kind of gotten used to that with my moms.  Why haven’t I gotten used to it then?

I went to the restroom after the meal and Cindy came with me.  She was changing the baby on one of those diaper-changing tables in restrooms that I’d never seen anyone use until that day.  We stood there and talked for a while about the embarrassment of having nudist lesbian moms and how they don’t seem to tone down their behavior in public.  A few minutes into the conversation, a stall door opened and a woman walked out with a completely mortified look on her face.  My first reaction was to think: deal with it.  Don’t judge me because my moms are having a good time and not afraid of being who they are.

Then of course I realized I wasn’t following my own advice.  My moms have gotten to a point in their loves where they’re not ashamed of who they are.  I struggle a lot with having pride in who I am, but I am always dealing with some level of shame.  I’m sure my sister, who was pregnant at 17, deals with her own shame issues.  I’m hoping to someday be more like my moms.

Cindy, Jayson, and the baby:  I was never really thrilled about having a baby in the house, but it’s grown on me a little.  I’m never going to have a baby myself and I think that my acceptance of that fact has encouraged me to take more interest in my sister’s baby.  I don’t love the crying, but I am enjoying seeing her grow and change already in just a few months, and I’m looking forward to watching her grow more and being an active part of her life.

Cindy and Jayson are both kind of clueless parents, which I can understand (I would be too), but they are genuinely doing their best to do everything right.  Cindy started smoking again after the birth, but she has been very careful not to do it around the baby.  That comes as a surprise to me because she was never careful about it before she got pregnant.  I remember seeing her walk around my moms’ house with a cigarette, knowing that they hated her smoking indoors.

Jayson works nights, six nights a week.  Cindy therefore has to take care of the nighttime crying baby issues all by herself, and sometimes Guy and I help her out with it.  I had never changed a diaper in my life until a few weeks ago, and now I’m practically an expert.

Cindy still has her own incontinence issues and from what she tells me, being stretched out from giving birth has likely decreased any chances she has of getting better.  She has exercises she is supposed to do to help gain bladder control, but she has been doing them somewhat regularly for more than a year now with no real results.  There was a time when she was very sensitive about the idea that she and her baby would both be wearing diapers at the same time, but she actually seems to have come to terms with it.  In general she has had a positive attitude about her incontinence, and she’s talked about having to carry an extra large diaper bag in order to have diapers for both her and the baby.  And several times I’ve hear her mention that it was changing time "for both of us."

She and Jayson are not married, and are not getting pressured by either set of parents to do so.  I think that’s good.  They have a good relationship, but Cindy has cheated on him.  At least once that he knows about and a few times that I think he doesn’t know about.  I would hope that Cindy would be able to commit to him completely before marriage became an option for them.  Having a baby has perhaps helped with that.  As far as I know, it was before the pregnancy the last time she cheated.  Of course, she has also been in therapy for sex addiction, and maybe that’s helped.

She graduated from high school last week, and although she has no current plans for college, I’m glad that having the baby didn’t turn her into a dropout. 

Megan and Lauren: I spent a week in Miami with Megan and her wife during spring break. It’s always fun to be with them, and Miami is such a great city, I had a hard time coming back to gloomy Boston.  They have a cute little home with two extra bedrooms so I also got to enjoy having my own space.  Marriage seems to have been a good thing for them.  They are best friends and confident yet discrete about their affection in a way that differs greatly from my moms.  They don’t hide the fact that they are married, but they don’t force it in anyone’s face either.

Megan is one of the few workout partners I have ever had who pushes herself harder than I do.  One of the things the I enjoy most about spending time with her is our runs and swims together.  My first day in Miami we ran three miles and went for a swim.  Each day we increased our run by a few miles.  On our last day she suggested we do 15 miles.  I’m a very strong runner and have been for years, but 10 is about my limit.  She pushed me to my edge that day, and when I thought my muscles all seemed like them might spontaneously c

ombust, she looked at me and said we’d take a shorter swim because I looked tired.  I swam a mile with her and didn’t dare admit how much pain I was in.

She stopped performing in adult film after she got married.  She considered it a wedding gift to Lauren, though I’d never gotten the impression that Lauren particularly minded what Meg did for a living.  Instead, she’s been working in production and direction and apparently making pretty decent money at it.  They took good care of me while I was there.  One of the side "benefits" of her not being in front of a camera anymore is that she has become less concerned with looking like a porn star.  She has cut her hair short and is now a very cute little lesbian that she’s wanted to be for a long time.

Lauren has struggled with her weight for as long as I’ve known her, but appears to finally be making some progress.  I know it makes her happy and I’m happy for her.

Dad and Susan:  I guess I should consider myself lucky that I have three moms.  I really don’t see much of my dad and Susan, but when I do, Susan is a very supportive and wonderful person.  We have a mani/pedi date once a month and afterward she often takes me out and buys me clothes I would never otherwise be able to afford.  My father is a big Red Sox fan and I joined that at a game a few weeks ago.  After the game, on the drive back to my place, we talked for a long time about my progress in my transition and they told me they would be more than willing to pay for any surgeries I decided I needed.  Susan had hinted at this before, but they made it official that day.  It’s a comforting thought because I am definitely leaning toward having surgery.

They are both crazy about their new granddaughter and Cindy definitely needs that support.  My father was strangely distant with all of us when we were younger, and now he has started playing a larger role in our lives.  I’m sure that is Susan’s influence.  Susan is an amazing person and I’m grateful she’s part of my family.  I called her on Mother’s Day and we talked for a long time.  I’ve always called her by her first name but I told her that she really is a wonderful mother to me.  

She surprised me at the end of the conversation by saying, "I love you, Rachel.  Your father and I both love you very much."  Then I surprised myself by saying, "I love you, too."

Guy and me:  Guy works nights too. Most nights of the week it’s just me and Cindy at home with the baby and it’s a little weird not having the men around.  Guy is a wonderful part of my life and I love him more than I would have thought possible a year ago.  We have our little arguments from time to time, and I realize that he must struggle sometimes with my hormonal imbalance and my sex drive which comes and goes.  But we are partners in the true sense of the word, we share everything, we are best friends, and I want to spend my life with him.  We’ve talked about marriage on a few occasions now and we’ve both agreed that it’s what we want and we feel ready.  He told me he would propose eventually to make it official, but in some ways I already think of us as engaged.

My transition is going according to plan.  I think I have probably experienced the complete impact of the hormones by now and I have a very feminine body to show for it, except for having a penis. Vaginoplasty is something I consider a real option at this point and would probably happen in another year or so.  There have been no regrets throughout any of this, and I can’t imagine ever regretting making that last and final change to my body.  When I see myself naked, my penis doesn’t seem to belong there, and I fantasize about a day when it will be gone.

I really have stopped being a nudist because of my disconnection with my own body, but hope to someday be comfortable with my nudity again.  I wouldn’t mind being able to show off my wonderful breasts!

I am still working at the local LGBT community center and it’s not challenging work, but will look good on a resume.   Between that and school I am keeping pretty busy.  Not to mention that I cook dinner for four most nights and seem to be one of the only people that clean the house.  I’m not complaining, really.  Four adults and a baby in a two bedroom apartment is a little crowded, but it could be worse. And we all get along well, at least for now.

And that’s my update.  It felt good to write it out, after all.  Maybe I’ll start doing this more often.