Get rid

I re-certified as a lifeguard this year and took a weekend job at a community pool.  Not exactly sure what inspired me to do it.  I am going to school full time and working and I certainly didn’t need to have something to fill my weekends.  The extra money is nice, but it’s not essential for us to survive.  And it’s really not enough to justify the time I spend.  But, part of me really enjoys just hanging out at this pool.  Particularly since pool lifeguards do almost nothing.  When I lifeguarded at the beach I actually had some responsibilities and I participated in a few rescues.  At the pool, I pretty much just sit there.

I wear shorts over my lifeguard suit at the pool because the suit doesn’t really cover the fact that I have a penis.  I’m honestly not sure if the other lifeguards know about me or wonder why I always have shorts on.  I guess I’m to the point where I don’t really care.  I really want to get rid of my penis.  It’s still a little off in the future for me, and I have to accept that. But the more and more comfortable I have become with being a woman over the last few years, the more I’ve really hated having a penis.  It makes me really uncomfortable with my body and sometimes even ashamed about it.

It’s hard to describe to someone that hasn’t experienced it.  I am a woman.  There’s nothing about me that makes me question that.  I don’t ever regret transitioning.  Everything about me feels like a woman, inside and out, except when I take my pants off and see a penis.  It doesn’t belong there.  

Don’t get me wrong, I love penises on other people!

Cindy and I are going out for dinner tonight, just the two of us.  Girls night out.  Not really that special because most nights it’s girls night in, when the guys are working.  I guess the difference is that Jayson is home tonight to take care of the baby.  We’re going to our favorite vegetarian place and then there is an Italian horror movie I want to see, but I haven’t passed that by her yet. Generally when she and I hang out we end up clothes shopping, and that might be what happens tonight too.

Last night I drank vodka and ended up falling asleep on the couch while watching The Office on Hulu.  I watched Steve Carell’s final episode and actually shed a few tears.  I felt a little embarrassed afterwards…crying about a sitcom.  But I really have come to love The Office.  I hated it for a long time and then suddenly it just clicked with me.  I think it’s today’s generation’s Seinfeld.  And from me that’s about the highest praise I could put on a show.