Fine with me

Where was I? I’m a little surprised with myself that I allowed more than two months to go by without writing in my diary.  I remember a time when I wrote almost daily.  There are times when I think about this diary and think about all the things I want to write down in it, but somewhere between processing those thoughts and actually sitting down in front of the computer I end up losing the motivation to write.  Not much has really happened.  My daily routine of school and work has become virtually my entire life.  Guy is working nights.  He makes good money and we’re happy for the income, but it’s sad to sleep alone every night.  I miss the we used to spend together at nights.  On the weekends he makes an effort to be with me, but most of the time he’s too tired to do too much. 

Even with the decreased time we spend together, I feel like we’ve grown a lot closer.  I love him with all my heart.  We talk about spending our lives together.  That used to scare me, but now it seems like a comforting thought.

My sister and Jayson are still living with us.  Technically my sister doesn’t live here, because my moms insist that she live at home until she finishes high school, but she really is living here.  She spends almost every night here. Her due date is January 14th.  No one is quite certain if she will finish her senior year of high school after the baby is born.  It would be a huge mistake not to graduate, but I don’t know what kind of a burden the child will be.  She is miserable all the time and we are all desperately awaiting the birth of the child in hopes that she will then become pleasant to be around.  She walks around the apartment with red swollen eyes because she is constantly crying about how no one is fair to her or willing to help her in any way.  Meanwhile we are all doing everything humanly possible to make her like more comfortable.  Guy has completely lost patience with her, and I think if she wasn’t family we would have asked her to move out a long time ago.  She comes into our bedroom at night when I am asleep and stands next to me, crying about how hard she has it.  Maybe you shouldn’t have gotten pregnant?

I am throwing her a baby shower since it’s the sisterly thing to do.  I don’t have a lot of experience with things like that, and I’m hoping it doesn’t suck.

I have now been on hormones for a year.  The transformation has been really amazing.  I couldn’t be happier with how much I look and feel like a girl.  I was never terribly involved in the political side of being transgendered.  I knew it was the right thing for me, but I wasn’t overly concerned with other people who share the same problems and experiences.  Lately that has changed.  I am very active in the LGBT organization at school, and I also have been working with HRC in Boston.  I’m inexperienced, but I like being able to help in any way I can.  I have changed my goals at school.  I am now pursuing a double major of Womens Studies and Psychology.  I still like the idea of going to law school after i finish my undergraduate degrees, but I don’t need a pre-law degree to do that.  Right now I dream of being a non-profit lawyer working for organizations that work for womens rights or LGBT rights, but my career dreams change frequently.

My sister and I wear the same size now.  I remember the days when I would look at her bras and think about how huge they are.  Now they fit me perfectly.  I have abandoned any thoughts of getting an enlargement, as a recent growth spurt has left me very satisfied with my size.  I don’t have to make the decision any time soon, but I am leaning towards having the "big surgery" to complete my re-assignment.  Everything I have done so far has been nothing but satisfying, and I have no reason to think I shouldn’t go all the way.

My older sister, as a wedding gift to her wife, stopped appearing on screen in adult films.  She is still working in the industry in production.  They are still living in Miami, and I am infinitely jealous of that as I sit here in Boston with my freezing fingers and toes.

Every year for Thanksgiving, my moms take a trip somewhere (this year they are in Bora Bora, I’m so jealous), and us kids are left to celebrate at my father’s house. Megan and Lauren stayed in Florida this year. So Guy, Cindy, Jayson, and I went to my fathers.  It wasn’t a bad experience.  But when we are all with my lesbians mothers, I don’t feel quite as dysfunctional as I do when we are with my father and his wife. Susan is a great cook and a good host and is always way too nice to all of us.  She gave everyone "Thanksgiving presents," which she claims is a tradition in her family.  No one brought a gift for her, because it was completely unexpected.  Her taste, however, is perfect, and I love the sweater she gave me. As we were leaving, she reminded me of the time we went to a spa together and suggested we do it again.  Fine with me.