Element of weirdness

 I’ve always been very close with my sisters. When I was really young I didn’t give it much thought but now that I’m older I realize we have a closer relationship than most sisters. Probably for a few reasons. A big reason is that growing up I think a part of me always saw myself as one of the girls, and I think being close to my sisters helped me feel that way. Also, I think children tend to be closer in families where they’ve had to share big events together. Things like international moves and our parents getting divorced. I think that forces us to rely on each other a little more. And of course being raised as nudists plays a role. The fact that we share no embarrassment or self consciousness about our bodies certainly eliminates some barriers and makes us closer.

So last night I’m laying in bed trying to fall asleep when Cindy walks into my room without knocking. She places the baby monitor on my nightstand and then crawls into my bed. Last night was one of the nights (like most nights, unfortunately) when both Guy and Jayson were working and Cindy and I were alone.

We’ve bonded a lot lately, just the two of us with the baby at night, but it really hasn’t gotten to the point where she should be getting into bed with me uninvited. I wear pajamas to bed but Cindy sleeps partially nude (she wears bottoms because of her incontinence), so that just adds another element of weirdness. I don’t think she knew I was awake, and she probably thought she wasn’t disturbing me at all, but she settles into bed on her side, facing me, only inches away from me. 

After a few moments of awkward silence, she whispers my name. I acknowledge that I’m awake, and she tearfully tells me she couldn’t sleep, and she’d hoped that not being alone would help. I wasn’t going to argue. All I was thinking was that the baby monitor was closer to me than her and I hoped it didn’t wake me up.

I asked her if she wanted to talk and she said no, still tearfully. I don’t remember much else so I presume I fell asleep. I woke up this morning to find her way on the other side of the bed. A while back Guy had made a "rule" that Cindy couldn’t come into our bedroom without knocking (something she’d grown fond of doing) and I wondered what Guy would think if he knew she’d slept on his side of the bed. I’ve decided not to tell him.

She got up, attended to her daughter, and then both of them came back into the bedroom. I had lifeguarding today so it was time for me to start getting ready. The funny thing about lifeguarding at the pool is I almost never get in the water, so it’s become a habit to shower, do my hair, and even put on some makeup before going in. When I lifeguarded at the beach I would just tie my hair back and go. Also, Guy would be home soon and want to go to sleep.

I started to usher everyone out of the bedroom when Cindy said, "I’m ready to talk about it now."

I sat back down on the side of the bed. I knew we didn’t have much time, but I didn’t want to be unsupportive. My whole family believes–probably incorrectly–that if we had all been more supportive of Cindy she wouldn’t have gotten herself intentionally pregnant at 17. The truth is, I think, that Cindy will always do whatever she wants, only giving people the pretense that she needs help from anyone.

She blurted it out: "I may be pregnant again."

I went through a series of reactions in my mind before saying anything. Reaction #1: what the fuck? Reaction #2: maybe she’s joking. Reaction #3: this time, at least, it doesn’t seem to have been intentional. Does that make it better or worse? Reaction #4: who’s the father.

What I actually said was, "May be pregnant?"

She told me her periods have been extremely regular since giving birth and now she’s three weeks late. I questioned why she hasn’t taken a pregnancy test yet. I know we have a pregnancy test kit in the linen closet with other seldom used medicines. I don’t know how long it’s been there.

She told me she wanted to talk to her therapist before taking the test, but in the meantime she had worried herself into a state of panic. Understandable. I told her to take the test. I know I wouldn’t be able to stand not knowing. But she refused.

We heard Guy coming home and that was the end of the conversation. Or maybe just the beginning.