Almost time

My surgery is Monday.  I’ve been going through a bit of a rough stretch.  I got off hormones about five weeks about because they want them out of my system during the surgery and the recovery.  It seems a little counter-intuitive, but it’s standard practice in gender reassignment to be hormone free at the time of surgery to not have artificial hormones interfering with the body’s normal reaction and recuperation to the procedure.  But having been on hormones now for several years, it isn’t a small adjustment.  All of the shocks to my system that I experienced when I started taking them originally have now come back.   What’s worse is that I presume I will go through it all again once I am cleared to start taking them again.

I feel sad a lot and I cry all the time.  I wish I could say I was exaggerating.  I literally cry five or six times a day.  Sometimes I can come up with a random justification for the tears, but sometimes there is no reason.  I feel like I have control over it, and I openly cry at school or work.  I’ve stopped being embarrassed about it.  I’m mostly just annoyed and wished I could stop.

Guy and I are going to Philly on Saturday, so we can relax for a full day before going to the clinic.  I anticipate being in the clinic for at least seven days, followed by several more weeks of recovery.  After the first week I can go home to Boston, and I hope to be able to at least attend my classes even if I can’t go back to work right away.  This is all best-case scenario.  I hope it works out like this.

I’m nervous.  Not about losing my penis, which I’m quite eager to do, but about the actual procedure.  I’m nervous about being put under full anesthesia, something I’ve never done before.  I’m nervous about the pain.  I’m nervous about the humiliation of not being able to take care of myself for the first several days after the surgery.  I try to think about the big picture, which is that I am certain this is something that I want and I am going to be happy with the results.

I’ll probably update more next week since I think I’ll have plenty of free time.