My Story, Realizations.

I’ve always told myself that I knew a lot about a lot of stuff, but I realized that I don’t.

 

Aged 15, I can only wish to have realized it sooner, realized that the world didn’t revolve around my life nor my interests. Realized the value time brings. Realized that a step you take closes the paths you could’ve chosen, but opens up a plethora of new paths to choose from. But fate truly brushes us in the most unexpected of ways.

With only up to almost 16 years of existence, I find myself so exhausted, feeling like I lived a million lifetimes already.

Perhaps it could be reincarnation. That’s what my dad used to say, my dad who’s a thousand miles away from me, locked up behind bars in his hometown in Taiwan.

My life wasnt always as rough as this. Or maybe it was and I just hadn’t come to realize it.

Born into a rich family, I was raised to be a spoiled kid who grew so much because I ate whatever I wanted. Grew into a mentality that makes me hate everything that doesn’t happen in my way.

My dad grew a business that had branches overseas in multiple countries. He always had time with his family, I dont remember times with my mom because I was so close with my dad before.

Dad was taken away and soon after that, we were blind. Furious to the struggle we would soon face.

Mom became a single parent for almost a decade. Each day I became closer to her, so close that I dont remember a day where I dont hug her multiple times a day, or a day where I don’t kiss her cheek.

Everyday, she worked very hard fighting against the struggles dad had left us, and I always regretted not being able to help her.

Being low on money, we struggled to find a home and moved houses several times in a year, oftentimes renting for only a month. We managed to find a settlement far from the city to fit our budget.

In 2018, I lost my mom to cancer and I immediately knew that no pain would ever come close to what I felt in that time. Filled with regret, I always thought I should’ve been the one taken away. Up to this day, I still think the same.

Because of what happened, we were sent financial help every month from our Dad’s family.

A week after, we moved into the home of one of the siblings Mother had. We never got on the same foot with their family. The pain that was left behind grew neglected until it became unbearable. Everyday I could see the pain behind my siblings’ eyes. Pain that I never once saw from my aunt’s.

Every minute of the day, a line drew clearer between us. A line that separated a family that were happy and indulged in wealth, and three siblings that still grieved the loss of their mother, with needs barely supported.

It wasn’t long before we confronted her. And in July of 2020, we were kicked out of her house in the middle of a pandemic. With no where to go, we decided to contact relatives that we weren’t even close to.

Thankfully, we were welcomed by one of the relatives we contacted.

Under a better home, my siblings are currently healing from the neglected trauma and stress after these grueling years, though I recognize that it will be a very long process, I hope the best for them.

I, on the other hand, am still under alot of stress especially because of my flunking grades online. I try to prioritize my mental health first but end up neglecting my school work.

Over the years, I realized how much my environment affected my mentality. I realized how fast time speeds in front of us. I realized that no matter the circumstance, never be below it but instead, grow, learn and rise above and beyond everything that’s holding you back.

It feels like a relief to write my experience down, I wish everyone had the patience words can bring.

If you managed to find this and read this, I hope you know how valuable you are. Don’t waste it on spending time on things that wont benefit you in the long run, treat yourself and everyone good, and have no regrets.

Mom, I will continue to fight every battle for you. Rest well.

3-17-21

-q