Pure randomness in every way…

I swear at the rate things are going lately Sunday, Monday and Tuesday are going to be the only days me and Justin really talk to each other.  When I’m up in the morning getting ready for work more and more he seems to come down last minute even though he knows when I get up and when I leave.  Like the other day by the time he came downstairs I was pretty much like I’m leaving now.  He kind of gave me a look and it’s like what do you want me to say?  You waited till the last minute.  Then even when I get home and he’s getting ready for work…I don’t know it’s weird.  Like he used to be outside for a smoke with his coffee but when I’d get home he’d come inside and hang out until he needed to go shower and get stuff ready.  Then he’d come hang out more.  But now I swear it’s like he mostly just sits outside smoking for like 15-20 minutes at a time.  Then he’ll come inside and go do stuff in his room.  We maybe hang out for a half hour all together.  Then at work I almost never hear from him anymore.  When I do most times it’s basically almost the hi-bye conversation that lasts all of like 15 minutes.  See you have to remember I’m used to the fact we used to chat on and off all night until like 3 in the morning.  Then even the past few days when I’m at work and he’s home from work he’s going to bed like super early.  I just get the feeling something is up with him.  Like something is bugging him or something.  Like he’s been going to bed an hour to 2 hours before he normally would. 

I don’t know.  I know he loves his alone time and doesn’t mind being alone.  I kinda hate it.  I’m also the one in the house who has the most alone time.  Not long after I get home from work my parents are off to bed (most nights within a half hour).  Then maybe 2 hours after I get home Justin is off to work.  See even on his days off when he gets up my parents are eventually there.  So he really only has that alone time on days he works once I head off to work.  I know change happens and at least we do get some time together.  I’m just trying to get used to it cause a year ago or so we were talking so much while he was at work or I was.  And now it’s cut back a whole lot.  I’m just wondering what’s been up with him going to bed so early the past few days. 

In other news lol….this morning he came downstairs and was like I need a favor from you.  I was like okay?  He was like I need you to look up something for me.  At first I was thinking why the hell don’t you look it up?  You’ve got a computer lol.  I gave him a look like what the heck.  It was one of those he was kind of like being vague.  He was like all of my Facebook messages got deleted and you had sent me links to stuff.  Finally he spit it out.  Finally he said enough so that I knew he was meaning he needed me to send him the links to the engagement rings that I liked and had picked out as some that I wouldn’t mind.  Kind of ironic he asked today since today is 22 months for us.  Oddly though I’ve hit a point where my attitude/feelings on it are kind of numb.  Almost like a ho-hum attitude.  I mean…it’s hard to describe.  It’s like deep down I know I’m eager to go from just dating to being engaged and starting the whole wedding planning part.  I want that.  But it’s like lately I just shrug about it happening.  I’ve even become that way with our sex life.  It’s like I want it a lot, badly but the desire to even try for it…isn’t there.  It’s like oh well whatever.  Even though I should be more eager about it especially since over the past few months that aspect of our relationship has become pathetic.  We had it once last time he was off and sadly I think that was after going almost 2 weeks without it.  And yeah we’ve been having WAY too many of those (2 week spells).  It’s frustrating.  I keep wondering what’s wrong.  It’s hard to believe he wants it as much as me when he doesn’t seem to care when we go without it.  Yet this is the same guy who will get so pissed off about stupid co-workers or the stupidest crap.  But yet something that should matter…doesn’t seem to.  And trust me…I’ve brought up the issue.  I usually get the…"well I don’t know when you want it or not."  To which I usually go…"I’ve told you I’m always down for it.  My problem is knowing when you want it.  You’re the one who has turned it down a good deal of times for a variety of reasons."  But that still doesn’t seem to spark him to try for it more often.  I admit…I’ve become gun shy so to speak.  I’m nervous/hesitant to instigate because of all the times I’ve been shot down.  It’s hard to be the one that gets rejected while the person at the same time tries to claim they want it as much as you. 

It’s also a bit frustrating that he hasn’t even noticed that it’s been quite a while since I got off.  Even the other day I jokingly brought it up cause of some commercial for something called the O club.  I was like hmm what’s that?  To which he was like "well I can’t tell when you get off or not.  I think you have some times, maybe."  I was like we’ve been involved in this aspect for almost 2 years and you can’t tell???  It’s like I admit I’m not as easy to tell as he is but still.  He was like well why don’t you say something?  I didn’t tell him because if I do bring it up and then he tries right then and there to have it happen…it’s hard for me.  I feel the pressure like "OMG I have to get off".  Don’t get me wrong.  I love it with him.  It always feels great.  I’m just not someone who crosses that finish line easily.  Even by myself.  I really don’t get his whole "I can’t tell" cause he can.  There’s been times before where he’s like yeah I could tell cause of this sign or that sign.  I just wish I could figure out why lately with stuff I’m just so "blah" about it even though deep down it is something that matters a lot to me.  Just frustrating when you feel one way on the top of the surface but deep down you know you feel differently.  Who knows.  Maybe I’m just losing my mind.  lol  Wait…never had one.

So tomorrow is the tug-o-war competition for my work with the challenge thing that’s going on.  Although the weather is calling to be complete and utter crap so we’ll see if it even happens.  Then we’ve got the meet and greet and concert.  Should be a good time.  Sunday will be recovery day…maybe go see a movie.  Plus today Justin was even suggesting we hang out with Jimmy and JL.  So we’ll see if that happens or not.  We also need to try and hang out with B&C soon.  Although I think Monday Justin is going to go visit his one ex roommate since she keeps whining at him to visit.  I was like how come when I try to guilt you about stuff it doesn’t work but others do it and you instantly cave into them??  He was likewell I don’t think seeing a friend for about an hour after a year of not seeing them is much.  I felt like going um…yeah do you remember how much you HATED this person a year ago while living with them because of how rude they were to you?  Because they didn’t consider you in anything and actually used you left and right???  Sorry but the person doesn’t qualify as a friend in my mind.  It’s a former roommate that pretty much allowed you to live there because they benefited big time from it.  He’s just weird like that.  Me…I’d rather have no friends than have supposed friends who are far from the definition of friend.  But he’s one of those that isn’t like that.  Even when someone is a horrible friend/person…he’ll still try to be friends to avoid having no friends.  But as they say…to each their own.

We’re also on high alert cause once again my grandmother (mother’s side) is not doing well.  I guess last night it was pretty bad to the point they called my mom’s brother and even nurses.  I feel like a bad person.  I want to feel bad that she’s not doing well and that she’s obviously getting closer and closer to dying…but it’s hard to feel that way about someone who for all my life has treated my like crap for no reason.  Someone who has hated on me any chance she got.  Same with my one niece.  Always a target for no reason.  I try to remind myself that it’s my mom’s mother.  Someone who means a lot to her.  I think I also kind of hate this because my mom cares so much.  So each time of these moments comes up it’s my mom who’s the one hurting the most.  I know it’s harsh but sometimes it’s like…"just die already so one…you end your suffering and two…you end my mom’s suffering at seeing someone she cares about in your position."  I know that’s harsh but with my grandmother we’ve been on death watch now for years.  I can’t imagine how worn down my mom is emotionally to constantly be on a rollercoaster of "OMG is this the end?" only for things to get better before they crash again.  I mean deep down I don’t want her to die.  But my reason is a bit selfish.  It’s cause I don’t want to see my mom hurt like that.  My mom will be devastated when it happens.  It will break my mom big time because she’s such a caring person.  That first year…first holidays without will kill her.  The rest of us won’t be able to do much.  Sure we can be there for her but words and being there can only do so much for someone who is hurting/grieving.  One of those things that every option sucks.  Hell I know it has to be hell for my mom cause it’s even wearing me out.  Just imagine that every now and then you turn around to hear that "prepare yourself…this family member is about to die" but then it passes and life goes back to normal until the next time it hits.  It plays hell on the emotions especially if you’re like me and hate funerals/death.  Sure it’s a part of life but…it’s one that sucks.  I don’t know.  It’s just…so tired of funerals.  At most I seem to go almost 2 years without one since we’ve been back in Ohio.  Whereas before that (more than half of my life) we only had 1.  So crazy but as I said before…not much anyone can do.