Tim pt 2

The story starts here

Ok, so I kinda got onto other tangents with my diary, and posting everyday stuff, but now I am going to get back to the main purpose of it (as it stands now) of helping me work through my guy issues. So… to pick up from last entry… Tim (my pastor) left to move away, Luke and I had just broken up, I was very sad.

So, I listened to the tape that Tim gave me, and it made me feel so much better. But it also made me miss him, and having him be a part of our group. I began to sink into a depression from Luke. I felt like I was the most stupid person alive to have not realized that Luke didn’t care for me, even when everyone else knew. I began to feel worthless, and I began to feel like I didn’t really want to live anymore, because it was just too hard. I started to think about killing myself. Now, for me, this was a big deal. The fact that I was having thoughts about suicide was just like… whoa, and I got totally freaked out. So I wrote Tim a letter telling him what was up. He wrote me back. He told me basically, that I wasn’t a freak, but that I was upset, but that there were better ways of dealing with my emotions than hurting myself.. etc etc. He told me to e mail him if I ever needed to talk. So I started e mailing him. And he would write me back. We talked about all sorts of things. life, God, what my purpose was, everything. We began to get closer, and we were friends. He became my mentor. A second father. And my best friend. For some reason we just clicked. It was like talking to Tim was like talking to my long lost friend. We e mailed each other every day. Then, two or three times a day. Then, eight to nine times a day. I would wake up early to read a new e mail and start my day off hearing from him. It was summer at this point, so we were both always home. And we wouldn’t just e mail each other. His wife Trisha was always coming out here for school reasons, and so He would bring his kids to the beach, but I would go with them. We would make up reasons to see each other, and we saw each other pretty regularly, even though he had moved about 70 miles away. Tim became the person who knew me the best. We had the kind of relationship where we didn’t even need to speak any more. We would sit there and just look deep into one another’s eyes. I opened up to him completely. And he did the same with me. He told me things that he didn’t even talk to Trisha about. And the whole time we were praying that God would bless our friendship. I got closer to God than I ever had before. (This became my reasoning for why the relationship was healthy and good)

But the closer we got to one another, the more these other feelings began to pop in. Tim would say things like he wished that he was 18, so that we could date. I wished it to. Instead of just hugging when we greeted each other, we would hug throughout our visits. We would go on long walks and hold hands. we spent entire days together sometimes. He took me to Universal City Walk, which was a total date, only we didn’t call it that. But by any standards it was a date. But I would do things with his family also. I came to stay at their house, and watch their kids. We went to concerts together, and baseball games. And I began to wish that things could go further with us. I fell in love with him. And, to this day, I have never, NEVER, fallen for a guy the way I fell for Tim. I have never been as close to anyone. Even all these years later… but I digress.

School started for me. Trisha had a class out here, so Tim visited me every monday. He would pick me up from school, we would go to a park, and hang out till about ten, when he would take me home, and then pick up Trisha. And all through this, Trisha was ok. She didn’t seem to have a problem with out relationship. Then one night when Tim was bringing me home, I stared crying. I didn’t want to go home, I wanted to go and live with him. I had been having problems with my parents at the time, and I liked being with Tim’s family so much better. So he took me inside, and we were alone. He let me cry for a while, and then we just stared at each other for a long time. Then he said that he had to go, and we stood up and he just held me for a long time. Then he looked down at me. Now, my acting teacher once said that if two people stare at each other when they are so close for a long enough time, they will either fight or kiss. The tension between us was so strong. I can put myself back in that moment in an instant and recall to memory every emotion going on inside of me. Then Tim leaned down… and it was like he was going to kiss me, but stopped himself… then he kissed me on my forehead and said… “lets just leave it at that ok?” and then he left. About an hour later, Tim called. He had just gotten home, and he wanted to talk about what had (and hadn’t) happened between us. we decided that nothing could happen with us (duh) and that we needed to be more careful. He told Trisha what happened. (not right away, but later) and as you can imagine, she was no longer comfortable with us seeing each other any more. We sill talked over e mail, but that too eventually died away. Tim was able to work things through and realize right away what a bad situation we were in. I on the other hand, was a young girl, who was very confused. I didn’t get over it nearly as fast (at all?) I latched onto a guy who was my friend, and I told him what had happened. He took it relatively well. I was so broken up, I needed someone. So I told Chris what had happened. The only problem was, I never really worked through my feelings. I hid most of them, and the others I transferred over to Chris. But this story now needs to be continued under a new entry titled “Chris”