stream…

the page is blank nothing to write notheing comes to mind stream of consiousness i will write and write  i want to go for a walk drink coffee make out smoke a ciggarette sleep under the stars and wish you were here all the time nausiate my friends spend way too much money she don’t knwo the things i know i’m just a girl losseing her heart to someone and i don’t really know what else to say no no no no no no no don’t stop don’t stop till you get enough i miss my stream of consiousness diary and i don’t really know why i don’t know what i want to find out memories of things in highschool he has memories of me i don’t know why i don’t know why he would look at me and see anything worth seeing i don’t know how to look at myself with honesty i hate what i see i hate what i am i hate looking back and wishing i am embarassed by the things i’ve done and the things i’ve said and the things that i have let people do to me to find love but i didn’t find love i got taken for a ride and i don’t know if i got off at the right stop i think it was a bit late i have spent the last four years trying to get back to my origional destination to start over but that destination is no longer there it doesn’t exist the person i was then doesn’t existi and neigther does the destination is who i was in highschool what you liked or is it really me and not a thought of me a shadow of me that you remember i don’t know i hope for reality but i don’t see how what you could see before you is worth anything to be loved

wow.  Sometimes i do this excersize when i have so many thoughts in my heard and everything is jumbled.  i use it when i am trying to figure out how i really feel.  what you do is just write without stopping.  and usually when i start it is really jumbly.  but by the end things just come out.  and i write till i think i have finished, then i read what i have written… and this was very informative… and scary.  is it sad that one of the things i hate about byself is that i have a problem with self hatred?  I dotn’ really know what to do with that.  It always bothers me that i feel so bad about myself.  but i guess i don’t really know waht to do with that.  how do you stop feeling that you are no good?  people telling you doesnt help… i dont’  know.  but i didn’t know what i was going to write today would be like this.  I hope it isn’t too harsh…