WTF??

I know, I know. I’m due for a real life update but today it’s ranting time….

Okay. Denis Leary has some great rants on his “Lock ‘N Load” album. Go pick that up if you have never heard that, by the way. Even better you can go to music.yahoo.com and listen to it for free. If you haven’t heard it, the rest of my rant may or may not make sense. But I will give it a whirl.

My favorite of his rants involve beer and coffee, especially how it seems almost impossible to get beer flavored beer and coffee flavored coffee. And it’s so true! Ever since I listened to that for the first time, i noticed that beer now comes with tons of shit in it – even like ginseng and energy crap. Let me just say, if I want to get drunk from an energy drink, that’s what Red Bull and Vodkas are for! (Thanks Mandy, because I honestly think you were the first person to sing the praises of this wonderful mix – I used to think it was so nasty, but…woohoo!)…And the coffee. I think it is possible to go to any place that sells coffee – be it premade at Starbucks or at the grocery to make at home – and have a different coffee flavor for every day of the month, without repeating! What happened to the coffee-flavored Colombian Roast that I was practically weaned on? It’s just about impossible to find now!

So yeah, Leary is definitely right. But I can deal with the beer and the coffee changing. I have enjoyed my share of microbrews and flavored coffees/cappucinos at Speedway – I love getting their Chocolate Mint Cappucino just before church on a Sunday, yummy way to wake up! But it’s not just the beer and the coffee. Oh no. To expand on Leary’s rant….

Flavored Tobacco.

WTF??? So let me get this straight. Not only can I kill myself slowly and painfully, but I can do it in fruit flavored ways??? I can get mouth cancer and have my lips fall off, but oh boy, I sure enjoyed the fruity flavors on the way there. Here’s a thought….drop the chew, and EAT THE FUCKING APPLE! Besides, there is nothing more disgusting than a guy who dips…Guys, want a surefire way to turn a woman off, then shove this junk in your mouth. She may not tell you, but believe me, she’s grossed out.

Flavored Chocolate.

Much like with the coffee, it’s now virtually impossible to find plain Kit Kats out there. Whoever decided to mess with Kit Kats – possibly nature’s perfect food – needs to be shot. Now, I must say, when the mint Kit Kats came out, I was super excited. I love mint chocolate (hence the cappucino choice mentioned above). But now you can get every flavor Kit Kat – white chocolate, coffee, banana, raspberry, and also orange. Let me just say, oranges and chocolates do not go together, okay? Almost as bad was when a year or so ago I saw they had messed around with Almond Joys – nature’s second most perfect food – and made some piña colada flavored. Let me just say that piña colada flavored chocolate ranks high among the most disgusting things I have ever put in my mouth. Pretty intense when you consider I have put some nasty stuff in there – the Jones Sodas in Thanksgiving food flavors (try only if you like the taste of puke in your mouth), worms, four years of dining hall food, etc.

Flavored Coca Cola.

Okay. Moving on. We had Coke, and Cherry Coke. Then came the Vanilla Coke and I was in heaven. But no, Coca Cola can’t quit while they were ahead. Then came Coke with Lemon, Coke with Lime, Coke with Black Cherry, etc etc. Now when you go to the store you have like 10 million Coca Cola choices – Cherry, Diet Cherry, Diet Lemon, Lime, Diet Lime, Black Cherry, Diet Black Cherry, C2, Zero, with Splenda, caffeine free Diet, and, if you are very lucky, regular and regular diet Coke!!!! Argh. It too has become nearly impossible. What was once the simple task of picking up a 24 pack of cans has now become an odyssey, where you now have to spend half an hour in the soda aisle deciding what flavors you will enjoy this week! And it’s not just Coca Cola – thankfully Pepsi hasn’t gone that far yet, but 7 Up and Diet Rite come in more flavors than Jelly Bellys now!

But wait. There’s more. Now there is the latest introduction….

Coca Cola Blak.

Since I can’t do this justice, I will copy straight from the Coke sponsored web site, http://www.coca-colablak.com/us/index.jsp :

Coca-Cola Blak is a sophisticated, premium blend of Coca-Cola, natural flavors and coffee essence. The effervescence and rich flavor of Coca-Cola Blak provide the perfect pick-me-up for people looking for new ways to stay refreshed any time of the day or night. “Coca-Cola Blak is a uniquely invigorating beverage that is full-bodied in flavor and as refreshing as you expect Coca-Cola to be,” said Katie Bayne, senior vice president, Coca-Cola Brands, Coca-Cola North America. “There is no other beverage available today quite like Coca-Cola Blak. Imagine the refreshing taste of an ice-cold Coca-Cola that finishes with a rich essence of coffee. Only Coca-Cola can deliver that distinct combination of flavors.”….”Coca-Cola Blak is the latest example of the kind of innovation we are delivering to meet the changing needs of our consumers,” added Bayne. “We are very excited about this new brand and look forward to continuing to find new ways to satisfy Coca-Cola lovers.”

WTF?? You want to satisfy me, give me Coca Cola flavored Diet Coke! With No calories! No vitamins, no calcium, just my empty, fizzy calories and let me be in peace!!

Who knew they’d change all the good stuff? We are the generation of the eight second attention span, so quit giving us so many damn choices, and leave well enough alone! Or at least go back to putting real coke in there again!