Super Sized Stress

Last week I got a long awaited answer for that other position with the city I had applied for. And to my dismay, it was a big resounding no. I’m not sure right now what is making me feel worse – the fact that I didn’t get it, or the fact that despite telling me that I would get a call either way, I had to find out from a secondary source. So I wasn’t even good enough for a courtesy call after apparently I was good enough to string along for at least six weeks or so. At least it feels like it has been that long now, if not longer. That fact certainly doesn’t help with the feelings of worthlessness that have been right on the edge of my mind since then. I have no idea what this means for my career or anything of the sort. All I know right now is that this job, which felt like such a sure thing, is not even an option anymore. I had my heart set on this job and had figured out how much it would help Travis and I in our planning/future. I feel like my bubble burst and I am trying so hard to keep my emotions in check. And to make matters worse, what’s even harder is knowing that a good percentage of the city employees I encounter on my work with seem to be total idiots! I’m so tired of reducing my thoughts and work levels to theirs, it’s draining and discouraging. These are supposed to be professionals, many with jobs that I don’t “allegedly” have the experience for. Then why are they asking me to do their job, or asking me all the stupid questions? Don’t these people know I have a degree and some modicum of intelligence? The topper – most if not all are earning more than I am. If that’s not a kick in the stomach I’m not sure what is.

Other job searches have been equally fruitless. A part of me feels like I am doomed to stay in measly jobs forever, that I won’t be able to move up and make a decent salary. I don’t want to be a job scrub anymore. I just want to be able to do my share of the earning, save for a nice house, and save for any kids that we’d have. I want to live comfortably. I want a job that challenges me and rewards me – I’d rather come home beat from a hard job than because I was answering stupid questions all day.

I feel many other frustrations that are just hanging around to make my life miserable. Today’s stress comes from the fact that I had to get a second wedding dress, since the first one I got didn’t work well with me after all. I hadn’t realized how sheer it was! Now I got the second one today in the mail, and to my greater dismay it also has a problem – I was promised it was brand new and in perfect condition, and it has makeup stains on it! To be realistic, it’s nothing that can’t be fixed. But I was promised something and got something else. I am so saddened by this – I feel like if I had just stuck to a bridal shop this wouldn’t have happened, if I had the money for a real wedding dress (instead of a fancy white evening gown) this wouldn’t be an issue. Once again I feel like I have somehow had to “settle”. I shouldn’t have to “fix” anything, and I certainly don’t need this on my plate right now.

Worried about Mom, as always…

Travis has been going through a lot too…in the span of a few days, he lost his cell phone and it got smashed before someone found it and mailed it back to him (working condition still, miraculously)…his bed broke, leaving him to sleep on an air mattress until we move in together…his car got hit at night in Indy, wiping out the driver’s side mirror and causing $130 in damage…he got robbed of a win in fantasy football…he’s stressed about moving to Indy…about the levels of stress at his current job…and about finding a job in Indy. He did get what seemed to be a pretty sweet offer, a marketing position with an up and coming cable network for colleges called “the U network”. But he’s been pretty skeptical about it – the fact that it is such a brand new business, the way the interviewer was fawning over him but putting immediate pressure for him to leave Insight and go work there (instead of giving him proper time to move, etc), and a call for more information not being returned today…I want him to make the right decision with the least amount of stress for him. And of course I want him to be happy. I’ve been doing the best I can to help guide him to a decision, and of course, adding a healthy dose of prayer.

I’m very worried about him, when he says that he feels he is near a breaking point, and how the stress is affecting his health and his sleep. But he also tells me he will be alright, that he’s got many outlets for it, myself included. I can’t help but worry though, but I will try to not let any worry be dominant as I have done before. I just know I have been where he is too many times, and I don’t want things to get worse. Helping him helps me.

We also had a massive fight on Friday night…it escalated because of tempers and poor communication. It was probably something that could have been solved in five minutes but we both let it get out of hand and it got very ugly. I feel most of it was my fault, and while I was trying very hard to explain myself and my problems, I feel like I didn’t do the best job of it, because there was still the lack of communication. I feel it’s hard to get the other person to see how we feel and why we feel that way sometimes. In my case, that’s mostly due to fears, and this one had a big ol’ fear of failure in it. I was still massively upset on Saturday, but then at myself and my shortcomings.

Lately I’ve been noticing once again my lack of friends. I still feel like I don’t have nearly enough female friends I can rely on. I honestly feel like I have no one to turn to besides Travis and my mom, and while it’s wonderful that both are there for me, I need other women and have them be my age. I can’t take everything that bothers me all the time to Travis – like today with the dress situation, I felt like I was bothering him and I wished I had someone else to talk to. I feel like I have a bunch of people that have told me “I’m here for you”, but where are they really when I need to reach out? Do they answer their calls or IMs? Would they even know me well enough to know that I am hurting and why? It’s not right to reach out to someone you consider a friend and feel like you have to spend an hour giving background information since they are so out of touch with who you are. I’m tired of always making the “first contact” with a friend, forcing them to call me instead of having them call me out of their own free will. I want someone to call me “just to talk”…All this is doing is frustrating me with people more and more and making me want to isolate myself even more.