Slightly vacant state of mind….

Things have been up and down since the last time I wrote here. With the weather actually looking like it might stay nice, that has helped my mood a lot. I am writing this in my office and looking out my 22nd floor window, it looks simply beautiful outside. I don’t find much purpose sitting here and pretending that I have something to do today, when in fact I don’t. Another slow day before I get slammed in time to ruin the days leading up to the long weekend.

Last weekend was interesting when we went to a wedding of someone who had caused a lot of trouble early in my relationship with Travis. I hadn’t really given her much thought, except a couple months ago when she was on IM with him and she made a comment along the lines of, “well if Liz happens to die and [her guy] happens to die, who knows what would happen between us?” At the time that pissed me off to no end, but she is one of those people that I have learned to not think about if I can help it. I choose not to interact with her, and that’s what’s best. Yet here we were going to her wedding and whatnot, and I was happy for her, happy that her day had arrived, and that the rain from the morning eased up in time for the actual ceremony. And all was fine until we were leaving the church to go to the reception hall. That was when Travis made a comment that was completely uncalled for, bringing up his past with this girl and it set me off. We had some time between the ceremony and the reception so we had gone back to his parent’s house to put in a load of laundry and that’s when we started arguing. It got really ugly, but at least it was in private. In the middle of the fight, Travis brought forth some accusations about how I was still “pining over someone who was dead”, in reference to a comment I had made about Jordan (one night some time ago, when I had had a few drinks, he pried me for information, asking all sorts of questions about the past. I had said that had Jordan never died, I would have most likely married him, well before I met Travis. And he took offense to that then. Yet he never told me until he brought it up in the middle of this fight). And that set me off even more, because I have done what I could to not even bring him up in conversation anymore. It has been a difficult yet necessary process to completely close that chapter of my life. So yeah, ugly, ugly. But somehow we managed to solve it and were able to make the reception just a tad late. I’m just glad it happened at home and not at the reception hall, and that we were able to go after it ended; the last thing I would have wanted was for this girl to find out Travis and I had had a fight and to take any satisfaction from that.

It made me think over some things, especially that even if I wanted to, I can’t bring up the past at all. Not even for any more healing or closure that I would have to do. Sure, I always tell Travis, I accept what happened before I came along, I just have no desire to hear about it. At all. I shouldn’t have to. I shouldn’t have to even think about it, and I don’t, unless he brings it up. And I don’t like to talk about my past either, but it is different, when in my case, two of the people involved have passed away. Death brings a whole new angle into things, that’s different from having a living reminder around; there’s no need to be worried over a dead person. So it’s just better if I could just entirely erase all that. I plan on not thinking about it anymore, just like I won’t think about what happened at this wedding anymore. I am letting it all go. The only reason I have even mentioned it here is for closure and for its result. Days will pass and I will not think of the significance they might hold, no matter how painful their memories might be. The end of May is probably the hardest of all, but I will not think of it anymore. I can’t. I won’t. Next May it will be like any other May, perhaps rewarding, perhaps empty, who knows.

So enough about that.

I can’t believe June is just about here. After seeing all the baseball in April, we haven’t been to any games in May yet. This weekend we will be getting away and going to St. Louis for the long weekend and catch a game at Busch Stadium. It’s the last season for the ‘Cards there and I definitely want us to add that stadium to our list. It should be a great trip; I can’t wait to get away and true to form, Indiana is driving me crazy, despite the nicer weather. It still sucks here. We want to go up to the Arch and who knows what else; I will probably take out a guide book from the library soon and see what else sounds fun.

Around here, we’ve been to the State museum and spent some time outdoors in Eagle Creek Park and along the canal. A lot of busy errands too, as we seem to be running all over the place. Somehow we found the time to work on our college logo bar stools, and they are almost done! I can’t wait, they have come out better than we had expected. I will post some pics when they are ready to go. This was such a cool idea, even if it has taken forever to complete. At least it has been an exercise in patience and teamwork. It has transferred to other areas of our relationship, so that’s always a plus. I have also been busy catching up on some reading, some photo collages, and my crochet. That’s finally going well too, and I am picking up good speed! I don’t know how accurate my technique is, but who cares, as long as the end result looks great, hehehee. It’s like typing, I never use the right fingers but I get the work done, lol. I’m thinking about a couple other projects to start, maybe metalwork, maybe jewelry making, maybe getting back into painting, who knows?