Long Overdue

Okay, so I keep meaning to write this entry for a long time now…given that my last update was almost a month ago. Hard to believe, isn’t it? I never thought I would let myself go this far in between without an update, but then again, there are many things I thought I would never do…

It’s been hard living with Travis. Very hard. There are so many things that I never thought would be an issue, but all of a sudden they are. Stupid things like keeping things clean or having a set schedule for doing something. Example – I was raised with my mother who could qualify as a cleaning Nazi, while his is content to live in a filthy household (ewww). So I’ve basically have had to reteach him how to clean so that we can live in a clean place. I’m not as insane about cleaning as Mom, but when I am disgusted to sit on my own toilet I have a problem…Or I am used to eating at my own time, when I am hungry, not having a set time or having it be when I walk in the door. And Travis pretty much starts talking dinner the minute I walk in. Given that we’ve decided that I will be doing the bulk of the cooking, it’s super overwhelming to have this thrown in my lap the second I walk in….Or if I am trying to work on something and he calls for my attention to something he is doing…Little things like that have been driving me crazy. Granted, we have been able to talk some of them out, but others are just starting to pop up. I didn’t think it would be this hard – I sometimes feel that other couples live together in harmony and I didn’t think this would happen to us. But it has.

I’m just not used to living with anyone else, so for me it has been a massive adjustment. In fact I feel like I have done the majority of the adjusting. Right now we even have to use his computer, even though we decided to have both up and running on the high speed access, because mine is acting up and running slow. And that in itself is driving me nuts. I have things on my computer that I need to access and I can’t do so. Just the whole style is different and I feel like I have to waste time figuring out what I need to do.

Wasting time…I feel I’ve been doing a lot of that too…I feel like I am so busy cleaning, straightening up (or supervising the process of) and doing the household things that before I realize it, it’s already quarter to nine and I’ve done nothing. I feel like my life is being wasted away before I have a chance to do the things I need to do. I’ve been meaning to color my hair, wash some delicates, update, write some notes to friends, etc etc, but I just never seem to have any time. I feel like there is always some distraction that keeps me from what I need to do. Hobbies? Fun things? Forget it. I can’t even make room for those either.

What I need to do is make myself a schedule and stick to it, so that way I make room for myself. I feel like I am getting lost in all this, and I cannot allow that to happen. It’s causing the festering of negative feelings that don’t want in my life.

Couple that with a recent breach of trust that I will not go into (see, there I go, censoring myself again), and the sheer misery that I continue to feel living here and no wonder I feel like my life is slowly slipping away.

What is this? I thought getting married would solve all the problems. But it hasn’t. It has made me take a good hard look at myself and my relationship…making us see a lot of negative points about each other that basically weren’t so “in your face before”. My personal issues with my apperance and my weight have continued to manifest themselves, sometimes greater than before. I’m torn between wanting to eat it all and wanting to eat absolutely nothing for fear of gaining an ounce. I am trying to make a conscious effort to eat better, yet I feel like I am adding too much food to my body in a given day. I feel gross, despite the fact that I’ve been trying to work out more often.

I feel even more down about my job. With Travis looking for a new one, and looking at some of the opportunities he has been presented with, I feel like I have been wasting my time more than ever. Sure we have the same degree, but he has had more chances than me to make something of himself, and now he’s got two years experience (not to mention the five or six as a stringer for the paper) – and in that time, what do I have to show for it? Nothing. A meaningless job that makes me feel even more meaningless. He keeps saying that I will find something, but I know as more time passes the harder it will be. How can I gain experience when no one will give me a chance? That’s the same question it has always been….

Meaningless job…don’t even get me started. The idiocy has increased tenfold in the past month or so and I am getting more and more tired of it. If I was allowed to go about my business I would be more productive and a lot happier, that way I could lose myself in my background music and the view out the window and pretend I am somewhere else entirely.

I’m so tired. Physically, emotionally, and mentally. I know last week I slept like shit, and couldn’t even work out because of the cramping in my legs. I’ve been really down because in all this, the infamous bleeding from days long ago has mysteriously returned, with no explanation whatsoever. Stress? Who knows? But if it’s stress, how do I stop it when I cannot get rid of the things that stress me out? Emotionally I am drained from managing work, my marriage, the new repsonsibilities, and my own feelings of inadequacy and regret. I snap at anything, anyone, yet I wonder why people don’t want to be near me or be my friends. Chat on IM with someone? yeah right. Kinda hard when most have forgotten you even exist. And the empty promises of companionship, conversation, and friendship? Well I feel like I am about to tell some people where to stick all that crap, because what good is it to say that you will “be there for someone” when you are never there? That’s bullshit.

Above all, I think the one thing that has drained me most is that I have come to loathe this place. I hate the people here, I hate the bigotry, I hate the ignorance, the boringness, the crassness, the rudeness (Hoosier Hospitality my ass), the supremacy, etc etc. I hate being looked down upon because I have an education, some modicum of intelligence, and, God forbid, can speak another language. I don’t care for mindless babble and I don’t care for a lot of the crap that this place has to offer – I feel like my life is being slowly sucked away. I am miserable here and would give just about anything to go. But I can’t. I have to shut my feelings up because it might offend some.

How can I be me again? Who am I even? I wish I knew….