Another Try

Sometimes, I wish it were easier to explain why I feel a certain way. Last entry I wrote about all the things I wish I could do someday, all the things I wish I could be. I have many people tell me things along the lines of “it’s time to start”, “no time like the present”, and “only you can make these things happen”. I wish it were just that easy. I wish all my troubles could go away by simply wishing them away. If that were the case then I wouldn’t be here, and I would be living in a happy-go-lucky fantasy world.

There are a few days that I feel like there is so much possibility. Yesterday was one of those – I felt like I could do anything at all, being so full of energy and strength. Then there are days where I am so overwhelmed with pressure, stress, worry, and I feel so trapped. These are days where I wonder how I will be able to physically get out of bed in the morning, and I dread doing so. These are also the days where I feel that my head is jumbled with so many different thoughts and opinions that I can’t begin to sort them out. I feel afraid of everything that might go wrong that day and I wonder if I will be equipped to handle it. Sort of, “please don’t let anything bad happen today, I don’t think I can take it” (or worse, the days where I think, “please don’t make me smile, because it will hurt so much”. Thankfully, those are rare)…I feel like I am filled with so many grandiose plans and ideas and that somehow I lack the skills to see them to fruition. And then that adds to the worrying and the feelings of helplessness, because I feel like my plans and ideas have failed. I don’t feel confident about my talents and skills – call it an after effect of many years of being openly told what an awful person I am.

My job is a perfect example of where I fall short. I feel like there was no point in going to school and getting an education, because here I am working a string of useless jobs that don’t do much except barely pay the bills and keep me occupied from 8AM-5PM. They rob me of my soul, stamina, and desire – especially where I am now. No matter how hard I work, it is never good enough; there is no reward, no progress, no encouragement, just belittlement, angry words, and incompetence. Frankly, I am only here to get a paycheck, because I have learned it is pointless to try and pull anything else from this. I feel that there is a certain void in my life that can only be filled by having a job where I feel appreciated, respected, and well compensated. But every time I try and apply for another job, I don’t have the experience or education they want. One the one hand, school told me “communications will open ANY door” and the real world tells me “you can’t branch out”. How other people do it, I’m not sure; all I know is rejection, rejection, and rejection. It is sitting at work where I have to fight the self-loathing and anger the most.

I feel like I could be standing in a crowded room and scream and no one would hear. I feel so transparent, and this is most evident when I literally get pushed out of the way – at the mall, in the elevator – as if I wasn’t even there in the first place. But if I try to assert myself, I come off as a jerk and get called on my attitude. I’m so sick of feeling guilty and feeling like I have to apologize for the way I am and for how I feel. I don’t feel understood and that’s why I have such a hard time explaining how I feel – if it’s a mess in my head, how can I make anyone else see that and help me? I am either opinionated or I am weak, there is no middle ground. But it seems like that’s the rule, there’s no middle ground in many things in my life. To me, being “okay” is still not good enough. I feel like I cannot please anyone, because I will never be good enough to be who people want me to be.

I fear being rejected, because every time it happens it just adds and adds to the pile of rejections and compounds past hurt. And I feel that I am so sensitive to people’s attitudes toward me – one comment can make or break my day. No matter how hard I try to be nice to certain people, I have even had some come around and say that I am mean or rude. This is so hurtful and just adds to the feelings of inadequacy. How can I possibly “be myself” when I’m not allowed to be who I want to be? I feel like a scared little girl playing dress-up, unable to take the next step(s) to be who I want to be. I feel like I have to block everything out and pretend I’m okay so I can have some degree of functionality – go to work, do chores, etc. Add all this up and it then triggers rage that needs to be released, and this either manifests itself towards other people – or more often, toward myself.

So…

1) Dread + worry + anxiety + past (failures and treatment) = physical and mental blocks to success and happiness.

2) Physical and mental blocks to success and happiness + exhaustion + rejection + current failures + life stress (money and job) + feelings of inadequacy + feeling trapped + having to pretend like nothing is wrong = Rage, self loathing, paralysis, apathy, incompleteness.

If anyone has ever seen the movie “Prozac Nation”, I feel a lot like Elizabeth (except for the rampant drug use). Defective, broken, like if something was seriously wrong with me, like if happiness can only exist in short bursts and is clouded out by long periods of all-consuming darkness….and I think this feeling is best described in this quote – it is from the book that this movie is based on:

“if you were to find a shattered mirror, find all the pieces, all the shards, and all the tiny chips, and have whatever skill and patience it took to put all that broken glass back together so that it was complete once again, the restored mirror would still be spiderwebbed with cracks, it would still be a useless glued version of its former self, which could show only fragmented reflections of anyone looking into it. Some things are beyond repair. And that was me.”

I don’t know if these words will make sense to anyone, because I know it is not the first time I have spoken them out loud. But I keep hoping that the more I try, the more this will help make some sense – if not for others, then at least for myself.

“i wish they could know what it’s like to wake up every morning afraid you’re going to live”