Love, Santa

Dear Friends,

     I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year

and since you have I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave

under your tree at Christmas.  I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days

of Christmas, but we had a little problem…

      The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 10

ladies dancing, the 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the

9 pipers-piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming

The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and the

partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird shit.

      On top of all this! Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my reindeer

are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and some people who can’t read

a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January. Maybe next year I will

be able to get my shit together and bring you the things you want. This year I

suggest you get your asses down to Walmart before everything is gone.

Love,

Santa