The Sonja Retrospective

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking as of late. Well actually this thinking was probably for the last 2 days. Wait I think that can work for thinking as of late. Okay well anyway I’ve been thinking a lot about myself and my stance on a lot of things. Well myself actually, hence the title of this entry.

In recent days I’ve thought about the one thing that likes to creep into my mind. Suicide, yeah I know my fave thought in the world. It’s been an extremely down week for me. I mean the thoughts just won’t leave my head alone. They come and they go. They never seem to leave. So I’m fighting with it once again. I’m fighting with myself to keep myself alive. How silly is that, very silly if you ask me.

I don’t know how much more fight I have left in me to keep going on like this. Day to day not knowing what to expect from myself. I think I have enough fight left in me to make it till 23 at least. But past that I don’t know. I won’t make it through med school. I won’t make it through college. I’ll be gone half-way through it. I’ve realized that now.

Another thing I’ve realized is that I really don’t think I have it in me anymore to actually go through with it though. I’ve begun to realize that my only reasons in the beganning were because I hated people and society so much that, that was the only reason why I was actually ever going to do it. But I’ve realized I’ve grown up a lot as a person. I mean I use to not love myself. But now slowly but surely I’m learning to love myself again. And I’ve learned to love society and people again. Which you know that kind of screws me over. Because that means I have a concious again about these kinds of things.

If it was as easy as it use to be killing one’s self would be a different story. But I’ve realized that as much as fight as I put up with myself about it. I don’t think I can actually go through with it anymore. It’s so strange the way I work. Sometimes I wish I understood and others I wish I just knew weird things. Like what people thought of me. If I was a good person. If I was a good friend. If I was a bitch or something like that. I know it’s weird but that’s how my mind works. Alas, oh well, farewell, good day.

You may see me and think she’s smart, she’s funny, she’s sweet. But when I look in the mirror all I see is a girl

~Sonja~