Learning to say I’m sorry…

The fight we had last night, left me awake for hours. I wasn’t myself. I said and acted in ways I didn’t understand. I felt when it was over with I saw myself from a distance and I didn’t even know who I had become. I need help from someone to help me see who I am, who I’ve become. Does anyone out there know who I am? Do they know what I’m like? I feel so far and alone in the middle of nowhere. I walk in a sea of strangers day in and day out. All the faces that once seemed close are now far away. I hear the laughter next to me, I feel the laugh coming out of my own throat but is it really me. Was it really me? Did I do what I think I did?

Oh dear God I did. Oh dear God. I’m learning to grow. Learning to accept the things that were never ment to be. Learning to say I’m sorry, never gets easier just gets harder with the people who hurt. I hurt myself. I have the scars I need to show someone. I need help. I need a hug. I need to scream. I need to fall. I need to sleep. I need, I need, I need. What more could I do? What more could I become? What more could I do to make things right? I’m so afraid of myself, afraid of my fall from this mountian top. Long ago though I already fell. I fell into the pits of my own hell. I don’t know how to tell you, that I’m sorry. I don’t know how to tell you I was out of line to say the things I did.

I just know the things I want the things I need totally go against each other. The tears fall from my eyes as I write this tonight. The dream I had last night about the fight that hasn’t occured yet but someday will scared me to death. If only you could see the look in your eyes in that check out line. You could understand why I can’t forgive myself for what I did and what I someday might do. God can’t forgive and you can’t forgive me for what I might do in the years to come.

Words left unspoken do boil on the inside overflowing on to the outside creating the haze that will become the self doom I cause. This is my fault you don’t see that now. But in the long run you will. In the long run you will read my diary entries and realize that I’m in way over my head. That the pain I’m feeling is far to much for me to bear alone.

Even if I give it up to God, it will always be there, always reminding me of what I’ve done. Could you forgive me, if you knew? Could you still say I love you, if you saw? Could you still care, if you saw the skeleton that is hanging in my closet? Do you still know me? If you do could you please fill in the blanks that not even I can fill in any longer? Could you help me understand how it is to feel? Help me, someone please, because learning to say I’m sorry is never easy.