Happiness is A Warm Gun…

Silently sitting waiting for the moment of complete silence to pull back the trigger. The thoughts that are running through my head. It all makes me want to scream. I feel like I’m holding a gun in my hands, ready to pull the trigger to cause it all to stop. So many thoughts, so many random thoughts. All creeping ready to attack at any moment. I never know what I’m going to say. I never know why I say it. I count in fours. 1,2,3,4 as I walk down the street. Everything has to be straight. I go crazy if it’s not. Everything out in public, things in the house in my own room can be a mess. But not in public they have to be perfect to the last detial. Counting I never do out loud. It’s just something that I do. I have to end on four when I’m walking. I have to end on four when I get to the top of the stairs. I’m able to hold a conversation. But Always counting my mind is. I don’t know why. Always 1,2,3,4.

It’s because of guitar that I count 1,2,3,4. Because everything has to be to the beat. It’s driving me crazy. I think the strangest things at the weirdest times. I don’t know why. I just do. Am I going crazy. Have I lost my mind. Is there anyone out there who knows what I’m going through? Do they experience this kind of stuff. Do they think crazy thoughts like I do? I’m not like a typical person. I’m so unique it’s slightly scary. I love being who I am. But if I could change, I would. I would change everything about me that was possible. These thoughts just come out of no where now. I’ll say them to my friends and they just look at me like huh? And give me this are you okay? are you going crazy? look. It’s horrible. I hate it so much anymore. Schools almost over with. Break is almost over with. I’ll be out of High School forever and going to college. What am I going to do? Oh, I have lost my mind. It is very apparent now. Why I do not know. But oh me oh my oh. It’s happening.