Falling back into old habits

I’ve started pulling back band-aids and trying to get back to a more honest version of myself. As I pull the band-aids away old pains started rushing back. I’ve been numb for so long, I forgot what it was like to feel. Like really feel, I worry I won’t be able to get back out of this nightmare version of Wonderland. I published something on my Instagram about my old habits of cutting to feel and how I had moved on from that. That I had grown and wasn’t that girl anymore. So instead of taking my time slowly on this alter of self reveals, I’m ripping them off faster then I can process. The emotions are so raw and full of energy, I’m not sure if I can fight back the urges of my wrist tingling wanting the release they recall for these feelings.

For now, I have the strength to fight those monsters but I don’t know for how long. And I find myself longing for something/someone I can’t even have. It’s ridiculous that my mind even has those thoughts. I mean not that they aren’t justified or that the person in question is horrible by any means. They actually are one of the most real people I know. I never felt that way before and then I had a dream that revealed some deep feelings I wasn’t even aware of. So here we are trying to process that on top of old emotions on top of other current ones that I don’t dare speak in such a fashion for fear of them being true.

So here we are, trying to paint the world with the words. Here is hoping for a better tomorrow and trying to figure out the path ahead because no matter the road it is dark and uncharted. But here we go.

-Sonja