Too Loving.

I don’t understand things. They say teens think they know it all. But, I don’t know

anything. I’m so lost in everyone’s idea of dating, friends, and love. God, sometimes i

wish i could just disappear, although it seems i have already. I can sit in the center of the

room painted red with fireworks stemming from my hair, and i don’t think people would

notice. Its hard at school. I honestly have maybe 1 or 2 friends. 1 for sure. But why?

Because i don’t wear AF or AE? Because i want to listen to punk rock and not rap and

pop? Because my hair is darker? Because opinion is fucked up? That’s what it seems

like. I’m always looking for attention from the outsiders. Those that don’t go to my

school. I met this guy. The first night, we sat and talked for hours. It was so perfect. I

knew we’d eventually hook up. Its that initial feeling that pulls at your heartstrings and

flicks that light in your head on and off again. And when you see that person, butterflies

mass in your stomach and your heart beats like a rabbit. Thats what i felt when i saw him,

or when i talked to him. He was SO sweet to me. It’d been a while since my last heart

breaking relationship. It was time to move on, so i did. But god knows when you feel the

thrill of the other person you want things to speed up and get more and more of them.

And his kiss..omg his kiss. When he pressed his small lips against mine i swear time

could have stopped and i would have been set for years to come. His hugs were so warm.

Things went so fast, but when i was being held by him, things were so slow. Time

seemed to go backwards. I miss that. I missed being held by someone who cared about

me. And i know he did. I was something new to him. A chick that actually played the

guitar, and didn’t just say that to impress him. A chick that was into NOFX and

Greenday. So i gave in. I let my knees buckle again and hoped he’d be there to catch my

fall. And he did. The first few days were like heaven. We spent all the time we could

together. At first, nothing was wrong. Days passed and things changed. I wasn’t the girl

he thought i was. I was different again. I wasn’t what he wanted. He didn’t know

anything about me. He didn’t know. And i didn’t know anything about him. That’s what

started the mess. New Year’s Eve came, and our relationship had already fallen tight to

the cord the witches hold and teased with scissors. I did everything i could. I wanted him

to fall again, for me. I wanted him to see me walk in and his mouth drop. I wanted that

same look he gave me when we first met. That awe of a new girl. I spent a couple hours

getting ready. My hair, my makeup, my clothes. I actually wore a skirt for him. I ignored

the nearly freezing temperature and dove into insanity of dress. But when the time came

for me to wow him…he walked away. He avoided me most of the night. All i wanted was

attention. I felt like i didn’t belong. If i’d had my car there, i would have left. And i sat

there at 7pm knowing…3am wouldn’t come soon enough. Midnight came and went…and

my kiss…his kiss…wasn’t explosive. It wasn’t the same knot i got in my stomach when he

first kissed me. It wasn’t that initial flashing of the light in my head. But i wanted it to be.

I wanted it to be SO bad. I nearly cried after that kiss. I looked away and stood fine,

giving a faint smile. He left again. He ran around. I know he was stressed because he was

going to play. I just couldn’t understand. I pulled him to the side to tell him i was sorry if

he felt like i was in the way. I just didn’t want to feel like i was. And anyone could

stretch their arms out to him for one of those amazing hugs, except me. My arms got stiff

from waiting too long. I was just another face in the crowd again. The girl painted red

with fireworks in her hair, that still remains unnoticed. That night i knew it was over. I

knew he was mad…but i couldn’t convince myself. I asked his friend the next day, and

my worst fear was confirmed. He was mad at me. I knew that was going to happen

though. I told a friend to tell him to call if she ever talked to him. Again, midnight rolled

in. I had spent hours preparing myself for his words. When the phone rang, again those

butterflies churned my stomach and my heart pounded like a rabbit’s. But it wasn’t the

same feeling, it was bad this time. I answered the phone, and it all came crashing down.

Im too affectionate he said. I’m sorry for wanting a hug. Im too wanting he said. Im sorry

for wanting love. Im sorry I let it hurt. He doesn’t want me to hate him. He wanted me to

see him today. But, he never called. It’s no surprise to me though. It was bound to

happen. I was destined to be alone again. My New Year came in with hope, and out less

1 boyfriend. It hurts now. I didn’t hurt last night, but it does now. I guess that’s because i

wanted that rush so badly, that i popped the cork too soon. It’s like wine. You should

wait a long time before cracking open a bottle and sipping. It gets better with time. It

builds up such a sweetness, but it’s waisted if too soon. Looks like my sweet wine fell

bitter. I’m sorry Joseph. I cared too much.