Ignore the urges

If I am completely honest with my self this isn’t  the first time I have had the urge to cut my self. No not to kill my self just a little cut to feel anything other than what I feel. In the past I have had the thought in passing but pushed it away. I am the type of person who likes to avoid pain at all costs until I get to this place in am in. That is why when I was younger I had a lot of piercings. That has been so long ago now all my piercings are gone took them and and let them heal up its been years since I even thought about cutting.

I had a friend that used to cut he had scars on his arms and lied and said I don’t understand why you do it when I understood perfectly well why he did it. I just never had the nerve to to draw a spar edge across my skin to feel the bite of pain and the rush of blood. Oh I guess I should mention the sight of my own blood makes me faint. I get all woozy and dizzy and feel like I am going to vomit and everything goes black. Yeah not fun by any means maybe that is the other reason I never cut my self.
Here lately the urge has been really strong If I am left alone with my thoughts its there I have dreams about too. So I don’t let my self be alone with my thoughts I listen to music to fill the quite or have the tv on not because I am watching it its just for background noise to give me mind something to focus on. Or I fill the quite with endless chatter that some times drives my hubby crazy but I think if he knew why I do it he would be more understanding.

Now here is the problem how do I talk to my hubby about this without him freaking out on me and thinking I am suicidal or something not that being suicidal is a shameful thing to admit because I have been there attempted it and failed. Now I no long wish to die or I don’t want him to freak out and start hiding all the sharp objects in the place or worse yet think I am just seeking attention. My hubby knows about my anxiety and depression he just doesn’t know how to deal with it, or to talk about it he still gots it in his head that if someone is doing good in life like they have a good job a happy relationship etc that you shouldn’t be depressed. If only it worked that way I can honestly say I am not ok at times and that is ok I just wish I could be ok all the time.