Sowing

The more time I spend outside working in the field (and that’s field research for those of you who might be picturing a redneck tractorin’ corn in Kansas =0P), the more I realize just how much I am not an outdoors person… at least as much as I thought.  I mean… I love the outdoors.  I love the beauty of nature and all, but there are certain aspects that just don’t mesh well with me.  For instance, wading through the creeks here in Columbia can be a little unnerving for me.  I’m always thinking about what water snake or other creature will come across my path.  I hate going into water where I can’t see the bottom or what I’ll be stepping into.  Brett and others I know will just go right to work and have absolutely no problem with it… but I’m always hesitant and weary.  I love this job I have right now… it’s just that these unforunate situations hamper the experience a little bit. 

I suppose you could say the fears stem from the aquaphobia I had as a child.  When I was about two, I had fevers of 103+ and my parents would have to put me in ice baths to bring down my body temperature.  Ever since then, deep waters are extremely scary to me.  If someone goes in before me, I’m eased a little bit, and this is evident with work right now.  Brett is usually ahead of us leading the way and I know what’s in the water at that point, but when it comes to waters where I don’t know what’s beneath me… it just frightens me.  For years I couldn’t go in the deep end of the local swimming pool… and you could clearly see the bottom of that.  I don’t know how to rationalize these fears either… they’re just there.  The really amusing thing, though… is that I’m a licensed scuba diver.  I love scuba diving, but I guess you could argue that most diving sites are very visible and you know what’s around you.  I’ve never done a night dive or done deep sea diving either… probably because it’d terrify me.  But alas… I’m just a strange individual.

Anyways, today we ended up stopping work early due to the storms that rolled through.  We may end up leaving early tomorrow as well considering the forecast calls for even more rain.  It’s just hard to do our work in the rain since we have such expensive equipment that could potentially be damaged.  When we go out of Columbia, though… we’re going to bring a protective tent and some other safety precautions so we’re not running back and forth to the car. 

Allison called me today.  That was definitely a nice conversation.  I haven’t seen her in quite a while, and it sounds like she had a LOT of fun in Israel.  I can’t wait to see the pictures.  It’ll be great when she comes in town later this month as well.

On a more depressing note, a good friend of mine has pretty much written me off completely.  I was told I mean absolutely nothing to them and that they don’t care about me at all anymore.  When you’ve been practically best friends with someone for so many years… and then this happens… it’s just heart breaking.  Obvously I did some horrible things that probably deserve this… but it doesn’t make it hurt any less.  When you’re in the process of rebuilding things and doing so well with it, and then you have the one person who was always there say something like this… gah.  I hope to G-d that it doesn’t remain this way.  I can’t imagine just saying goodbye for good like this.  It just isn’t right.  Sometimes I wish there were an appropriate way to say I was sorry… but I just can’t take back some of my mistakes.  As many times as I’ve been forgiven, I took advantage too many times.  One of these days maybe things will be different.  I just think grudges and anger… and everything that comes with it is such a waste of time in someone’s life.  I can’t imagine cutting someone out of my life and disowning them… unles… well, unless they killed me.  =0P  I don’t think I’d have much of a choice… at least mortally.  I’ve had some pretty crazy stuff done to me… but somehow I just find it pointless to remain angry and resentful.  Especially in the last few months I’ve realized this more and more.  Sure… some might tell me it’s not healthy… but it my eyes, it’s just pointless.  I’m a strong believer in the fact that everyone will reap what they sow.  Even if it’s not here, there are higher powers to answer to in the next life.  Much BIGGER powers…. geez… that’s a little scary when you think about it.  The point is that it’s not my job to deliver the punishment.  I’m not perfect… but I try my hardest not to judge and move on. 

I guess I wish more people felt this way.  I know… it’s wishful thinking… but it is what it is.