Optimiserable

One disadvantage to being considered faculty here at the university is that I receive two seperate MU announcement e-mails every time they are released.  I guess it’s not so much a disadvantage as it is an annoyance.  The rather amusing detail, however, is the fact that they don’t included different headlines, but they simply put them in a different order.  Why would they go to that trouble?  Who knows?

So… I didn’t sleep much last night.  To be quite honest, I didn’t even feel like sleeping all that much.  Around 3am I went out to the Hinkson Creek Trail and biked for about 2 hours.  I was angry… upset… sad all all at the same time.  I suppose biking in the middle of the night isn’t the smartest idea when you’re so frustrated, but ultimately I felt a lot calmer when I was finished… that, and I couldn’t feel my legs for the life of me.  I had already biked 25 miles earlier yesterday. 

So I’ve just lost Beth as a friend forever… as she e-mailed me last night about it.  I am not going to go into much detail simply because the whole world doesn’t need to know, but what really hurts is when someone offers to hold your hand and walk you in a certain direction, but when you do it all on your own without that assistance, you get kicked out the door for following that path anyways.  I’m just torn to pieces.  She was the best friend I ever had and for some reason I’m just not worthy of being hers anymore.  One of the most painful things anyone can tell you is that they’ll never be able to forgive you…. I just don’t understand how people can feel that way.  People are stupid and fallable.  They make mistakes and make bad decisions, but I’ve never felt it was right of me to not forgive anyone of anything, no matter what it was.  

Mostly, I’m just disappointed.  I never saw this coming.  I always felt that at some point I would be able to have my good friend back.  Hell, I still feel that one of these days I can have that… but some say I’m just overly optimistic.  I couldn’t even think of anything to say back to her.  I spent a while just thinking about it and wondering if I really should say anything at all, but eventually all I could say was that I was sorry and that I’ll be the first in line if she ever needs someone.  I always loved her… and I still do… and I always will.  She knows that.  The sad part is that I don’t think she wants to know that.  Part of me wants to say I deserve all of this… but another part of me reminds that no one should ever deserve it.  The most painful part is figuring out which is true for me.