Family

Sometimes I just feel like a lazy bum not writing in here as often as I should.  Sometimes I feel like maybe I just shouldn’t write in this diary anymore and simply go to a private diary.  I keep going back and forth on this, and I suppose at times there are certain subjects that should remain private, but at the same time, I’m just not an introverted person and love to share with those around me and build upon outside opinion and guidance.  I think I will, for the time being, give this diary a bit of a chance and see how things go.  I also need to keep Emily in mind so that she is always comfortable with what I am, in essence, sharing with the general public. 

First off, on the 17th, Emily and I will be finding out the sex of our child.  I’m particularly excited about this and very nervous at the same time.  I worry that the baby will be healthy and I also worry about Emily’s health.  Last night after reading our patriarchal blessings to one another, Emily felt she needed a blessing, and I was more than happy to oblige.  Having the gift of the Melchizedek priesthood in our home has been a tremendous blessing to us and I’m so fortunate to be able to extend this gift to my wife in a father’s blessing. 

Honestly, I get nervous every once in a while when I give a blessing to someone.  I know that blessings are through the Holy Spirit and that my words are divinely inspired, but there are times when you just hope that you are living your life worthily enough to really draw on the Spirit as I should.  Often I have a little bit of a struggle trying to identify promptings from the spirit and differentiating them from my own emotions.  I do, however, remember that in the first blessing I gave Emily when she was pregnant, I didn’t want to say she would suffer physically, but the words just came out that she’d have a particularly hard pregnancy in which she’d suffer physically and the pregnancey would test her greatly.  I was scared, especially when this came to fruition.  She has had a very hard pregnancy, and she’s been stressed and tried quite a bit.  I’ve tried my best to be the best husband I can possibly be, but I very often feel that I fall short. 

It’s hard taking care of a pregnant wife.  Emily has suffered and gone through a lot and I know that I cannot begin to imagine, even emongst my own sympathy pains, what she is going through, but sometimes I catch myself thinking to myself that she can suck it up and that it’s not as bad as she thinks.  I was raised in a manner in which we had this kind of attitude, and most of our ailings were dealt with on a personal level rather than being pampered.  I try my best to throw this attitude to the side, but it’s hard when I see Emily hurting so much, so often.  Particularly as of late, she gets frustrated sometimes because she doesn’t feel I’m as connected to the baby as she is, and honestly, it’s a little hard when you’re not the one carrying the child.  She will be able to feel our child before I will… she is the one directly affected by our child…. and she will be the one to expereicence all of the physical changes along with its growth. 

Do I feel jealous at times because of this?  Honestly… sometimes I think I am a bit jealous, because I want to be close as well… and the closest I can get is as close as I can get to Emily herself.  On the bright side, though… her belly has been getting much bigger, and I’m very much looking forward to it getting even bigger.  It makes me feel a bit closer to her and the baby as well.  I want the world for Emily and I want her to be as happy as she ever dreamed she could be.  I know I disappoint her at times… I think we both disappointe each other sometimes, but this is what a marriage is built on.  We build on our faults and flaws and establish a trusting and ever forward moving relationship because of it.  I love Emily more than anything in the world. 

I think the biggest challenge for us both has been the many changes that have been happening in our lives as of late.  There is a lot going on, including her graduation…. and the school work that comes with it, the fact that we’re moving in about a month, having her sister and her daughter coming to live with us, my leaving this June for LTC, and the many academic, work, and church responsibilites.  It’s hard, but it will all develop us and help us become better people and better parents.  I want our children to grow up feeling loved and respected and I want them to know that their parents love and respect each other as well.  I want them to see that Heavenly Father is the one person we hold more important than any other relationship we have and that our relationships with each other will grow tremendously as we concentrate on serving him. 

I mentioned before about identifying the difference between the Holy Spirit and my own emotions, and I find that I am much more in tune with the discerning between the two as I read the scriptures daily and pray regularly.  The more I find myself following the teachings of the prophets, and applying what I learn from the scriptures into my life, I feel the spirit more often.  I love this feeling, and I try to find myself continually seeking it in my every day life. 

I love my wife with all of my heart, and our new child brings me much joy and excitement.  I want to show Emily this more effectively, though.  I want her to know that this is all very important and sacred to me, that she is the most important person in my life, and that I want to always honor her as the blessed mother she is and the wonderful wife she is to me.  I’m a stubborn and prideful person… and I believe we all are as we really examine our own motives, but I want to always be mindful of this and always find ways to better myself for Emily and my family.  I don’t ever want to become complacent.  I love them too much.