Another failure to add to the pile.

Dear Diary,

Again, i have left you as another project forgotten, another failure in a giant pile of failures that is my life. I had another headache today, always around noon, this is the third day in a row for me, but thankfully, ibeprofin is doing the trick. I think its all this stormy weather we’ve gotten for 2 weeks straight now. That and the humidity thats causing all of it.

The other day on facebook, this guy i’ve been talking to for a little while just fucked up everything. He was cool and interesting, and i thought we had a nice start to a friendship, but then he deliberately and frankly asked me to have an affair with him when he KNEW i was married! Ugh, i know that not all men are like that, i know there are decent men out there that are amazing and that would love to be friends. So why is it that every guy i have met so far claim to want friendship, but in the end always want more?

My husband made it worse for me, though i know deep down he didn’t mean anything by what he said. He knew about this guy-i do my best not to keep secrets from him. So when i showed him the messages we sent to each other, he just flat out said, "Well, what did you expect?" and went to our room.

I couldn’t believe it. Was he implying something by that? Did he believe that i was at fault for what happened? That i intentionally led him on to that conclusion? I am very oblivious by nature, have always been, so….i don’t know. Maybe i had it coming since im so naiive with people.

My mother always told me i had too much faith in people, which is true, and yet not. I try to see the best in people to the best of my abilities, and yet there are a lot of people i despise and loathe, mostly strangers or just people i meet on the street. I think its when i set myself to know people, that’s when i tend to overlook things.

My husband had good reason to say that to me though, there were past relationships with friends that turned ugly in the end, one of which a girlfriend of mine was really one of my best friends and we were very close, but she loved me differently, obsessively, and i overlooked it when people warned me about her, i believed that because they didn’t know her, that what they saw was just them jumping to conclusions. In the end, she tried desperately to end my relationship with my husband (who was my finace at the time) and begged me to try to love her instead.

She became angry when i refused her, and became more obsessive, and for a moment, dangerous. In the end, i had to cut all ties with her, and we went our separate ways. My marriage to my husband sealed our separation.

So now, not only am i lashing at myself for being naiive, i also have this brooding feeling that i’l never be able to make real friends.

*sigh*

Well, i suppose it could have gotten much worse, but im glad i never met up with that guy in person.

Thats all for now.