Nobody to blame, but myself.

I think it is safe to say that my bf and I are still broken up. And, after ten years of this relationship.. it is over.

This is all my fault. I told him for months we were not doing well, then I started telling him that we should separate and see others… Nothing I said made him realize that things were bad..I distanced myself, didn’t have sex, didn’t see him on the days we usually saw each other….

Till he met a girl – and changed his mind. Then all of a sudden, "I was right" and the romance was gone, and we should date others…

We texted today while I was at work. I actually did something that I never thought I would do –  I groveled. And also apologized and told him I made a mistake and that I was sorry.

I told him that I did not think it was a good idea to date others while we were working on "us."

He disagrees. So after much back and forth, I told him that if he wanted to date others, we will. Actually – he will… I will not. I went to an online dating site yesterday. I could not do it. I could NOT sign up for an account.

I just don’t want to date others.

I wanted him to come down tomorrow and told him I wanted to mess around… but I also asked him to please tell me when he decides to take his dating further and sleep with them. I don’t want to sleep with him when he is screwing others! And anyways, how is that fair to the other woman…?

He does not like the idea. Cause he says "then I will know."

When we talked the other day, I made like it was ok that we dated. But honestly, I don’t want it. I am old fashioned. I equate sex with intimacy. He thinks it’s just screwing.

I can’t separate it, as much as I try.

So, when I got home today, I texted him and told him that I give up. If he wants to date others, so be it. If he does not want to come down tomorrow, that was fine also and I would not throw myself at him.

And, I also asked him to just not forget about the kids or my grandson.

And then I cried. Because I just don’t know what else to do.