10/14/2013

It’s kind of nice to be back here. It’s given me a sense of peacefulness I guess you could say.

When I first met my bf (who I am having issues with) ten years ago, I was still writing here…! I had left an abusive relationship that I was in for almost 20 years, went out on my own with my daughter, met an amazing Australian – fell head over heels and then after he actually came here, we crashed & burned faster then a 747.

While chronicling my horrible experience, and my grief – I met my current bf that I am with now. We have had MANY issues since we first met. But honestly, I love him and he has been good to me, despite all my own personal flaws, and his – we have found a way to figure it all out.

This time though, I am not so sure.

I deliberately have pushed him away for a few years. And up until a few months ago he was not budging.

It all started a few years ago in July of 2011, when I had suspicion that he was starting to get close to someone at his work. My suspicions turned out to be valid. And after he finally understood that getting "emotionally attached" to someone is a no-no in the dating world. He claimed that nothing happened and it was only talking once in a while.

I did (and do) believe him. Sometimes he just does not know the "rules" of a long term relationship. Only the dating ones…lol…

But, after being in a previous very long emotionally/mentally abusive relationship, my trust was very diminished and I let that eat away at me – for these two years.

I have closed myself up completely, despite trying not too.

Soooooo, fast forward to almost two months ago… He finally listened to me and he went away. We still text each other and we last saw each other about 2.5 weeks ago.

Which brings me to the latest issue that broke my heart.

When he came here, and we talked I asked him if he was seeing anyone else OR talking to anyone else because I thought it was odd that he was now agreeing that we needed a break….So, I trusted him.. or tried too.

I found out last week that he was indeed talking/texting to someone else. The shit hit the fan.

I feel so devastated. NOT because he was talking to someone else, but because he lied by omission. That killed me. If we are going to be friends, then we can’t lie like that. But he did and he felt that he had done nothing wrong because "I TOLD" him to go date others.

This is 100% accurate.

But I feel he should have been truthful, because that’s what we said we were going to do. When I asked him, he could have said yes and I would have been ok with it.

I know our relationship is pretty much done. But we wanted a long lasting friendship. He is coming here tomorrow, after I get out of work and we will talk. I am scared. I know I will be afraid to speak what I feel. I am really going to TRY and show emotions though. Maybe that will help him to see how hurt I am..?

I never, ever show emotions. As much as I try too – it is so hard for me because that was how I survived my childhood, and also my abusive relationship.

It’s crazy… as much as I have tried NOT to allow my past run my life, the more it seems too the older I get…