Sometimes you just have to say goodbye

How do I put this nicely?  I am pmsy and sleep deprived so it may not come out well.  But I will try to better explain myself and be more encouraging in the second half. 

DISCLAIMER – I know some of you are trying and this isn’t meant to be directed at you.  However there are some of you dear ones that aren’t and are living with a bunch of excuses and justifying being miserable.

1.  Do NOT use your children as an excuse to stay in a marriage/relationship.  Your misery is hurting your children by staying together.  You are keeping your children from a happy life.  If you aren’t happy and in good mental health, it affects your children.

2.  Do not stay with someone just to be with someone.  You need to be able to love yourself first on your own in order to love or be loved by anyone else.

3.  There will NEVER be the perfect timing to leave someone.  Ending a marriage or relationship is NOT convenient.  There will be hurt feelings, betrayal and angry words passed.  Even you will get a bit ugly with the other person even if you are trying not to.  You are human and in the middle of a stressful situation.

4.  This excuse is the kicker, "But I can’t afford to leave the person!"  WRONG!  Where there is a will there is a way.  No it won’t be easy.  You will have to ask others for help and seek aid perhaps to stay afloat.  Waiting for the lotto or to somehow save "enough" won’t happen.  I will explain why.

Yes this is harsh but I have several friends that need a reality check.  I have about 5 or more people reading this who will be shocked, hurt and a bit upset but I need to say this to you all.

Now that I said all of that let me explain myself better.

1.  Yes you do need to plan.  Unless you are beaten and left for dead, you shouldn’t just spontaneously up and leave.  I wish I had up and left before that happened to me in my last marriage.  I did lose so much but I was able to rebuild my life and it is better.  Now I had a date set and plans to leave but I obviously procrastinated.  I didn’t think my life was in danger and couldn’t predict my ex spouses sudden lash out of anger.  However I knew years before I wasn’t happy and yet I stayed and shouldn’t have.  Lesson learned and I have never just settled to be content in a relationship since.  

2.  Children need to know they are not the reason for the split and you should NEVER put down the other parent in front of your children.  They need to know they are loved and you will never leave them.  DO NOT USE THE CHILDREN  to hurt the other person or manipulate things.  If the other person does, DOCUMENT IT!  Present it to the courts.  DOCUMENT EVERYTHING!  It will help you show who is the better parent.

3.  Sitting around and "waiting" for things to come together.  Set a date and start finding a temporary if not permanent place to live.  Sometimes you need to have a temporary place before you can get solidly on your feet on your own with your children if you have any.  I do suggest if you have children that you get the other person to move out.  Set a date and make sure the other person understands you are serious.  Remember you both are adults and are responsible for yourself not the other person.  It isn’t up to you to make sure they have some place to stay.  It is up to them.  Sure you can be nice and help but it isn’t your responsibility to get them a home.

4.  $$$$$$ Oh yes money.  Start looking at your expenses and income.  Create a budget.  Figure out what you can cut back on even if it is for a few months just to get on your feet.  SEEK FINANCIAL AID!  There are local and state and federal programs or other government programs to assist with food and living expenses.  If you are not married or with someone, you could qualify for lower income assistance even with utilities.  There are programs offered to sign up for.  Sometimes there is a waiting period so find out all you can and PLAN.

5.  if you are trying to save money SET a REALISTIC figure based on your budget.  Be realistic with your expenses and figuring out how much you want saved.  You may find you don’t need to save up much especially if you are in a temporary living situation.

I know some of you are trying to do all of this and I am proud of you!  I know it isn’t easy and being patient isn’t either.  Be strong and keep on your path, you will survive!!! 

I really hope this encourages people to take the steps they are hesitant to.  Sometimes a relationship doesn’t work, no matter how hard we try or want it too.  Remember it takes two people to WANT to make the relationship healthy and happy.  People change and so that affects relationships too.  What you both once had in common may no longer exists between the two of you.  It happens.  It does not mean you are a failure.  

I wrote this because this morning alone I read several entries from friends whom are losing themselves and identity by letting their partner take over their lives.  A relationship is a PARTNERSHIP!  The other person is not lord and dictator of you and what you do and who you are friends with.  If they are trying to be that way, then they are being controlling and manipulating.  THAT is abusive.  Mental abuse leaves more scars and wounds then physical abuse.  Just because you don’t see the marks, doesn’t mean they don’t exist.  Stand up for yourself and if the other person doesn’t like it, then tell them to leave.  Trust me it will shock them and it may even wake them up to realize what they are doing and stop.  That would be good!

Also you shouldn’t be the one holding the relationship together or be the only one bringing in money to support the other person.  In some cases that is OK if the partners have an agreement but if it isn’t working out then you both need to talk and figure something out that will.  Make sure the other person feels appreciated and not like they have a huge burden on their shoulders.

I just really want people to be happy and to be loved unconditionally.  I have learned to never settle.  I didn’t settle with my son’s bio dad.  I am soooooooooo glad.  I know life would be miserable and full of bad stress.  He was a nice guy but not good, if that makes sense.  He would not have been a good father figure and an even worse husband.  I am so glad I didn’t listen to my family and marry him.

I am so much happier and found love and this time I didn’t just settle.  There are fireworks!  There is acceptance and patience.  There is unconditional love and fiery lust.  I know this time around I got it right!

This is a favorite quote from my husband "Don’t they know how many good guys are out the

re just waiting for them to get out of a shitty relationship and show them love and happiness."  And for you guys, trust me there are good women out there waiting to love you too.

BTW if you are just going to note and bitch at me that I don’t know what I am talking about.  Stop, I do.  I am speaking from personal experience.  Just because you may not like what I have to say, doesn’t mean I don’t know what I am talking about.

Also I want my friends to know that NO MATTER WHAT THEY DECIDE TO DO, I WILL NEVER TURN MY BACK ON THEM!  I will be here for you ALWAYS even if I disagree with your decisions.  It is your life to live, I just hope you know I care a lot and want you happy.  I doubt I will ever bring any of this up again with any of you.  I got what I needed to say, done.  If you want a friend to talk to, I am here.