When The Pain Equates The Heartbreak

I don’t feel much better today, I feel pretty much the same if I am honest, not to you dear readers, but to myself. I still have that aching, yearning feeling that lies within me, next to my soul, that burns and screams in pain.

I’ve just come out of my weekly counselling session. I couldn’t help but notice that my counsellor looked pretty today, in her own way that is, not in the sense that I would find her attractive. Even in my blubbering state I noticed. I notice everything at the moment, it’s like I have some warped sense of heightened feeling. I told her about how the other morning I made myself sick, just by looking in a mirror. She says I must have a very tiring life to be living my life in such a controlled life. She’s right you know. It is tiring but if I let go of that control then my world will fall to the ground.  Without control you see there is the possibility to make mistakes and I don’t want to make mistakes, I’ve been making mistakes for the past 21 years, hell, I WAS A MISTAKE. I know this to be fact, I’ve heard my mother say it, she’s even said it to me, not in those  words per se, but I got her general meaning. With my life filled with control I have created the security for myself to know that I will never NEED anyone, not truly, with control I will always survive. I was born a survivor, if I wasn’t I would surely be dead by now. That knowledge is pure life to me, it is the truth of my life, as depressing and far-fetched as that may seem to some of you.

I’ve started carrying all of my “essentials” in my handbag again. I feel there is a need to go back to being the pristine being that I once was, never a hair out of place, make up spotless. perfect teeth, smart clothes, real shoes and never a hint of halitosis. So yesterday when Elle and I went to to the supermarket I felt the need to stock, after all, why shouldn’t I , if I’m paying?!? So now once again, I will emerge, with my wondrous bag of solutions to life’s problems…it makes me feel a bit better to know that I am prepared for any situation that will make me look less like Jackie O and more like Oliver Twist. This may make me seem as deep as a puddle, however, it does mean that I will always look acceptable to society, and plus, it puts in good practice for when I am thin (instead of fat), after all, a skinny girl that doesn’t take good care of her appearance will always look like Paris Hilton;s cell-mate. That is not the look to go for, nor the look I am aiming for!!