Welcome To The Wonderful World Of Sainsburys

Welcome to the OD Branch of Sainsburys today. I am your store manager, for now. The baked beans are on special offer right now, for the next 5 minutes they can be found in the freezer aisle next to the pyramid display of Daz washing powder, alongside the Johnsons Baby Wipes, which are currently 2 for £9 as we are the most expensive supermarket in the universe. After the 5 minutes they will be moved to the pasta aisle. Just to confuse you. However, should you be as single working mother of 2 under 3s and happen to require nappies they are approximately 4 miles away at the other end of the store next to the cooked meats and dairy products.

We are aware that there have been complaints that the baked beans are 43p in Asda, tough shit, if you don’t like it bog off to Asda and get out of the serious shoppers way. We do do price checks but we dont actually care that in order to do a weeks shopping here you require a small loan as we do them to – however, may I point out that WE ARE NOT A BANK! Ok? Understand? Good I’m Glad.

As Easter is coming up you will find Charmaine in the entrance/exit area passing out free samples of Sainsbury Taste The Differance Easter Eggs. We will give your 4 year old child as many samples as he/she wishes so that they get pumped full of sugar that they have a tantrum and start to convulse in the tinned suplies aisle just so we can sneer down our noses at you and go “tsk” as we pass you by with our mammoth stock cages. Should you or your child get in the way of our stock cages we will ram your ankles or run you or you child over with the stock cages and be thouroughly unapologetic as Sainsburys Customer Service Training teaches us.

Here at Sainsburys we can provide you with almost anything, Reading Glasses to read the small print on our credit card credit agreement, an umbrella to keep you dry when taking your shopping to your car, we will gift wrap your flowers free of charge (you’ll see why its free), we will provide you with first aid should you have a small heart attack should you notice the price of our fish. However when you do actually need any of these they will not be available to YOU. Why? Because we don’t like YOU because you’re a CUSTOMER!

Thank you for shopping Sainsburys today now fuck off so I can go have a cuppa and a fag.