The Average Joe Doesn’t Know…

So…

I feel like I’ve FINALLY had a breakthrough.

I feel like the black cloud is finally starting to lift a bit, now that I’ve accepted that it’s ok to be angry about what happened, I feel somehow lighter. I know that the cloud could burst at any moment and rain down on me again, but for now it’s just nice to have a break from it.

Why am I angrier at myself than him though?  All reasoning and logic would suggest that I should be angrier at him than myself, yet I’m not. Maybe it’s because I feel like I’m partly to blame? I feel like I’m partly at fault for putting myself in such a vulnerable position, which doesn’t excuse or justify his actions, it doesn’t but had I not left myself open to it, then it wouldn’t have happened. I think what I struggle is most is that I had NO control over what happened, none. He took that from me too. If he was stealing money or possessions from me, I’d be furious, so why when he’s stolen trust, emotional labour, power and control, why am I not angrier?

Truth be told, the pain from the trauma runs deep. It hurts as much as my parents indifference does, probably more so because I chose him. I chose to let him in to my life, I chose to make him family, I was prepared to share my life with him. When I returned, after I flew home it still wasn’t over, the trauma continued. In order to try and take my mind off my missing period (it was stress, I wasn’t pregnant) I started to dig. I found out about his past, the willing and unwilling. The sexual assaults, the infidelity, the time in juvy for assaulting a teacher. There were 10 of us that he assaulted, that I know of, my experiences resonated with theirs. He likes to hit, he likes to choke. He gets his kicks from sexual humiliation and degradation. His hatred of women shines through when he’s in a sexual encounter.

How dare he reduce me to nothing more than a fucking power grab? How dare he use me as a tool to build up his toxic fucking ego. How dare he see me for less than I’m actually worth….oh wait, let’s hold on to that one…How dare ANYONE try and reduce me to less than I’m worth? I’m a fucking warrior. I’ve been to some of the darkest depths and suffered insurmountable pain and yet I’m still here, still fighting back. I fight every damn day with the inside of my head, with my own reflection. Am I really going to let these bastards grind me down on a daily basis? When am I going to try and regain my conrtol and power? The time is coming for me to put my foot down, God knows they’re fucking big enough. Why do I consistently allow these toxic, negative energies in to my life? Enough is enough I’m SICK of living like this. It’s time for a change.

Nolite te bastardes carborundorum,