Telling Porkies. *E*D*I*T**

So…
I want to just share some of the “delights” that I was never told about pregnancy…
and some of the ones I was…
and for the record…
PREGNANCY IS NOT BEAUTIFUL…
it’s really quite disgusting at times…

MY FIRST TRIMESTER ::

– When you discover you need to pee on a stick, DON’T. You will inevitably drop one of the two sticks in the loo and have to go buy another test which is incredibly inconvenient, annoying and frustrating…not to mention sticking your hand in the toilet and pee in order to fish out the stick is utterly disgusting.

– That first visit to the midwife be prepared…you are going to be asked for bodily fluids and in great quantities…if you get a clumsy midwife expect to get covered and bruised…

– Nausea: it’s 50/50 as to whether or not you’re going to vom after each burp/sneeze/hiccup so again, be prepared…always have a vombag in your purse/bag/car/pocket…pretty much everywhere…chances are you may vomit on yourself at least once.

– Morning Sickness: Don’t let the name fool you…it might just be morning…or just at night….or all the live long day…it doesn’t matter if you’ve never been athletic, you WILL discover that you can run EVER so fast and that you automatically know where the closest toilet is without even realising…

– Morning Sickness : Part 2: Don’t be afraid of morning sickness…it’s actually the most pleasant sick you’ll ever be…it doesn’t really burn or choke you…BUT you will be suprised at how much you can produce….and how quickly…again, be prepared to cover yourself in vomit…

– Poo : Pain paiin paiiiin. Hard hard poop. This won’t last….you’ll wish it did….

– Sleep : You may actually think you’ve devloped Narcolepsy as you will be unable to keep yourself awake…some may joke that you’ve dropped in to a coma…let them and enjoy the sleep while you can…

MY SECOND TRIMESTER ::

– Morning Sickness: Don’t for one second believe them when they tell you it stops at 12 weeks…it can last longer…right up to 20 weeks and beyond…you will by now be prepared and know what’s going on and will not vomit on yourself.

– Dizziness : Expect lots of this…

– Pee : Expect lots of this too…especially when you visit the midwife…DO NOT attempt to pee in the bottle…you WILL end up peeing on your hand, wrist and arm, depending on how much space you have….the less space you have the more likely you are to cause a spray as the pee bouces off your hand…this is not pleasant and takes about 10 minutes to clean up….

– Boobs : KA-BLAM where do these come from?? DO NOT ask people (even your own mother) to sniff your boobs to see if they smell like cheese, you will get weird looks and told you’re paranoid….if you’re really unlucky, this may be where you start to develop your milk…when little drops of milk run out of your boobs in the bath don’t panic, it’s just one of those things…your milk will NOT bring all the boys to the yard…

–  Poop : Think period shits….but worse….and only slightly more “formed”

– Sleep : You can now stay awake…just not for long….sleep whilst you can dammit cos when you get to a certain point you can wave goodbye to this particular friend.

– Kicks & Movement : Yes, you will start to feel your baby somewhere between 16 – 23 weeks…yes the little kicks are adorable and you want more of those…but you’d quite happily have less of the jumping jacks where it feels like there are missiles firing inside you, the starfish where it feels like he’s spread out over you specifically to make you feel sick and the pokes where it feels like your baby is stabbing you from the inside.

– Itching : I don’t even know what this is about or why it happens but HOLY HELL…think fire ants vomit fire vomit all over you!!

– The Farts : HOLY FUCK…expect lots of these…do NOT expect to survive them…nothing, I mean NOTHING stinks like pregnant woman farts!!

* Honeymoon Trimester my ass.

MY THIRD TRIMESTER ::

– Pee : That awesome moment when you choke on anything and you cough so hard that a little bit of pee comes out.

– Pee, Part 2 : Buckets and buckets of piss…and thats in any given trip…but the minute you’re asked for a sample, you’re drier than Ghandi’s mother in the morning.

– Body Parts : Why do I suddenly look like somebody injected a jelly baby with growth hormones? My toes look like Wee Willie Winkie sausages, my fingers look like hotdogs and earlier I saw a 16 year old girl whose waist was about the same size as my thigh…but then I saw a big ole’ fattie (we’re talking widening the doors at McDonalds fat here) who’s lower arm was the size of my thigh, so I felt a bit better….

– Nails : Seriously child, I don’t need to scale trees, so you can cut out the constant nail growth, especially as I can no longer reach my toes to trim them…

Feet : I remember these…vaguely….we will be reunited one day….

– Flexibility : I can no longer bend..

.not forwards….I cant bend down at the knees either…with help I can squat…which will help when I give birth….but still….I CANT BEND….in my job that’s problematic….

– Boobs – Okay I get why they’re bigger…but WHY are my nipples suddenly an intense shade of chocolate (chocolate milk production maybe?) and WHY do they suddenly looked like they’re covered in instructions for the blind???

– Ass : If  you’re unfortunate to be a) pregnan in the summer and b) well developed in the bottom area, be prepared for what I can only imagine nappy rash feels like….you are gonna get moist around there in the heat, and if you don’t find a way to deal with it PDQ then you’re gonna chaffe like fuck…and MAN does that hurt!! It’s feels like someones carved new stretchmarks around my butt cheeks….not pleasant…lots of Sudocrem and Baby Powder is helping…

– More Ass : If you are prone to the odd Butt Zit, then expect some epic Ass Acne…it’s possibly just as painful as hemorrhoids…yeah niiiice I know…oh and if you’re expecting a little boy, then that extra testosterone can be responsible for Ass Hair…yeah, pregnancy is SUCH a beautiful thing…

– Gas : Expect lots of unexpected and uncontrollable burps and farts….baby is squishing everything up inside you, which can lead to painful trapped gas…and it’s inevitable embarassing release…

– Sneezing : Nothing will fill you with quite as much fear as the feeling of needing to sneeze. Seriously, the second you need to sneeze BRACE YOURSELF….Twice I have more or less wet myself thanks to my horrific allergies setting me off on a sneezing fit JUST as Pickle decides that it’s a perfect time to tap dance on my bladder and Kegel Muscles. I’ve now started to get the hang of doing Kegel Exercises just as I need to sneeze….just in case.

– Gas Part 2 : There is NOTHING better in the world than when you get to FINALLY let go of that bad boy that’s been rumbling in your guts ALL THE LIVE LONG DAY but has been stuck behind the baby.

– Skin : HOLY MAN……be prepared to feel like you’re gonna split down the middle…

– Flexibility : As you get bigger, more weighed down and more pained, you will become LESS flexible, bending becomes a no-go and twisting to do such simplicities as wiping your own ass becomes akin to something you would expect on Total Wipeout (no pun intended!). Feeling like a blimp in every way is to be expected.

– Temperature : So, you’ll have seen these women of a certain age with their hot flashes right? Well, this is like one big, permanent hot flash…and you’d better believe you’re gonna sweat…but it’s an evil sweat, it’s the kind of sweat that smells the second it squeezes its fat ass outta your skin…so you’re going to be hot…and stinky….and sticky because it’s like bloomin’ pva glue….and no amount of deodorant will cure this….only lots of baths/showers….2 a day keeps it at bay….if you can get 3 a day, I’d recommend it…

– Poo : So, as you hit sort of 30+ week, expect your turds to get a LOT softer and a lot more frequent…turns out your body likes to have a good flush out for a couple months, to prepare you for having the baby…don’t be fooled though, there’s still a 99% chance you’ll poop when you’re pushing.

– Sleep : Don’t expect much of this, and when it comes expect it to be lacking that certain something something as all those maternal instincts are taking roots alongside that hideous level of discomfort caused by having a bumpalump on your front.

– Braxton Hicks : Don’t think you’re necessarily going to get these…you might a dry run of labour though…which will see you get a few Braxton Hicks but not many.

– OUCHIES : What is with the aches and pains? In the day it’s my legs and ribs, at night it’s my hips. Not fun, it’s seriously making me want to chop myself in to bits, and if I move about it’s sore, if I don’t it’s sore. I swear to God, I’m so glad I only have 6 weeks left!!

– Pride : Eventually, the time will come where you’re huge, and you need to shave your Foof/Mary/BabyMakingBit…for those in the US, you must understand that in the UK that they don’t really do internal exams until the VERY end bit unless it’s necessary…for me, that appt is today…34 weeks….and I’m measuring a fundal height of around 38cm….and I’ll be honest, doing that bit whilst preg has literally been a case of if and when someone MIGHT see it….so fairly frequent up to 12 weeks, then once at 20 weeks and then once at 28 weeks-ish….mainly because I just can’t be bothered to see to it, but I knew there would come a point when I would have to see to it again before but not including the birth….anyways, there’s a small chance they might want to do an internal as I’ve got some pretty funky feelings and a couple of my midwifey friends have said they would check it if their patients had the same….SO, I breaks out the Gillette Sensitive Gel (which hasn’t been used in so long it was starting to form a rust ring on my bath) and a fresh new razor, and I’m sat there TERRIFIED….honestly, giving birth is nothing when you’re contemplating shaving your funzone with no other help than a small shaving mirror…and DONT flip it to magnify side…that’s something you DONT want or need to see EVER…Boys, I can only liken the level of fear of trusting a blind chick with a giant overbite and braces to give you a blowjob….so off you go thinking oh well…..let me tell you, if you’re pride is as stupid as mine, then just bloody grit your teeth and go get it waxed. It’s the same with attempting to epilate your legs, cut your toenails and even scratching your arse (depending on how HUGE you get), you may get so big that you have to swallow your pride and get someone to help you….today has been a new low for me on the sliding slope of lost dignity…Now I need to go attempt to epilate my legs in an hour, as she WILL check my ankles.

– Hair : Expect this in places you never expected, in quantities you didn’t know exsisted. My feet are now so swollen and my big toes are now so hairy that Bilbo Baggins would have been jealous….better whip the epilator over them too…

– Pride & Cravings : Unless you’re Ghandi, or Bobby Sands, at some stage you will crumble under the pressure of cravings and you will do things that you never imagined….be it eating Frosted Wheats or licking bars of soap…today for me, I wanted chocolate….ideally chocolate M&M’s mixed in with chocolate mousse….however, I reeeeeeeally didn’t want to move, drive to the supermarket or go without, so I went a-hunting, and what did I find? Cornflakes, Chocolate Chips and Golden Syrup….oh yes, I did just put the three in a bowl, mix them up and pop them in the microwave for a minute…..but it tasted so damn good….warm cornflake cake mix 🙂 I’m not proud though….it was very much a council estate thing to do….but it did the bloody trick.

– Fart, Shart or Baby? I don’t like the pressure feeling where your belly, bowels and bum meet. I feel like I won’t ever trust a fart again….I’ve not shat myself yet but that’s because I just head to the toilet as I really don’t fancy shitting myself at 25 years old ya know. 

*** Who’s close to vomiting? ***

*** Who HAS vomited? ***

*** Who’s changed their minds about ever having children? ***

MEMBRANE SWEEP ::

If you get to the point where you and your due date meet and there’s no baby, then prepare yourself for a membrane sweep. It is as disgusting as it sounds. Youll be laid in the bed and basically your OB/GYN is going to finger you like a drunk 15 year old boy on a promise. The idea is to disrupt everything enough that it will encourge labour to start. Yeah, good luck with that. Most of the time they dont work (70% of the time!!) and all it will suceed in is making you bleed like a bitch and ruin the nice pants you put on so that the OB/GYN wont think you’re a skank ass ho. You have been warned.

INDUCTION WITH PESSARIES ::

You get three shots at this. Each time your legs will be spread so far apart that your ankles will require seperate post-codes.

Pessary #1 :: You’ll be nervous, that’s to be expected. They’ll do another kind of sweep kind of action to check how dialated you are….and then with no prior warning you’ll feel a finger shoot up you in a way that make your eyes pop. That’s the pessary in. It’s a bit of a shock, but not all together bad.

Pessary #2 :: You’re prepared this time, you know what’s coming. You grit your teeth, close your eyes and think of England and then BAM that bitch suprises you again. This time you feel a little crampy, you start to discover what contractions are really like (better than the pessary that started them thats for sure!!) and you lie and you wait for your next batch the next morning…don’t expect to get a  good nights sleep though!!

Pessary #3 :: As you spread your legs for this final batch your Pikachu will have realised what’s about to occur and will have crawled up back inside you…it doesn’t want to be poked and prodded anymore. It’s afraid, you’re dreading it, and this one will hurt because you’re all battered and bruised…and you’d better pray it works so that you can skip the next step because that’s where it reaches the peak of Hell…

MEMBRANE RUPTURE ::

This is the height of Hell itself…this is where they break your waters for you…remember how painful that third pessary is…yeah, you’re going to want an anaesthetic for this bit if you’re anything like I was (2cm dialated, firm, posterior).  They’r gonna pull on their gloves and they’re gonna pull out what seems to be a large comedy crochet hook…only when they shove it up there it’s not fucking funny, it’s like they’re playing hook-a-duck but only it’s your amniotic sac and you have feelings up there!! However, once that’s over it gets better, and even the worst of contractions won’t seem as bad as this.
When they succesfully hook their prize and that bad boy bursts, well you’re going to get wet, but don’t worry, they’ll see to you!! It’s their job, and as long as they don’t put on a snorkel and goggles, then it’s all okay!!

CONTRACTIONS & LABOUR ::

Do you know what a contraction feels like? I sure as hell didn’t.
Want to know?? Think back to when you got periods…remember that point where it felt like someone was setting off industrial size fireworks in your uterus? That horrible, vile cramping that renders you unable to breathe yet makes you want to vomit?? THAT’S A CONTRACTION!!

Gas & Air :: Personally, this didn’t do it for me. I used it 4 times in 2 and a half hours despite contractions being about 3 minutes apart. It made me feel woozy and horribly drunk. I felt like the only feelings it killed where the ones in my tongue. However, if you choose to use then this would be my recommendation ; Don’t use it when the contraction starts, start to breathe it in as the contraction starts to hit it’s peak (the bit where you arch your back in pain), take a biiiiiig deep breath of the stuff until it peaks then bite the mouthpiece and slowly exhale as the pain declines. You’ll understand when the time comes.

Epidural :: Oh sweet relief. Expect to feel the cold fluid run down your back to the entrance in your spine. It’s a lovely feeling, however, remember it only lasts about 30 mins so if you want NO pain then be sure to press the button every 25 minutes. I used my epidural button twice before I fell asleep and it wore off completley…this didnt stop me getting about 4 hours sleep. You will lose all sensation in your legs and feet but you can kind of still move them, like when they go dead ya know 🙂

Syntocin Drip :: Not fun. Chances are if it doesn’t work within an hour or two then it won’t. Be warned it can cause baby’s heartrate to drop, if this happens, don’t panic, they’ll just take you off it and see what happens. Normally that fixes the problem with baby but stumps you as you can then stop dialating, which is why they put you on it in the first place.

Spinal Block :: If it’s decided that you’re going to have an Emergency C-Section you may be given a Spinal Block. Basically they’ll use the same tube as your Epidural goes down and you won’t be able to move from the waist down which is a truly terrifying experience at first, but once you get used to it, it’s fine. However, you will be bed bound for 12 hours if you have a spinal block.

Catheter :: Just get it. You’re going to piss yourself anyways, why not make it easier on the midwives and have it piped through to a bag. Take it the first time you’re asked, it’s just easier.

Sick :: Chances are it can happen. For me it was just as the surgeon picked up the scalpel, and then again when I was in recovery feeding the baby for the first time. Again, make the midwives life easier, the minute you feel nauseous, tell them, they’ll get you a bowl so it can be caught and dealt with a lot better than if it’s on the floor and down your front. They’ll deal with this every day, so don’t be embarrassed.

Shaking :: Some women shake when in labour. I was one. It happens, no-one knows why.

C-Section :: Don’t be scared, it’s routine now. It’s all over and done with in an hour. If you’ve had a spinal block chances are you won’t even feel the pressure and stuff they tell you to expect. Once baby is out don’t expect that cry straight away, it will be the longest couple of minutes of your life, but totally worth it. You’ll get to see baby for a second and then they’ll take them away to see to them, but they’ll bring them back for your birthing partner to hold and share with you. When offered skin to skin on the way back to recovery, take it, it’s the best feeling ever. It will take what seems forever for them to deal with all the after birth stuff, but you want that job done right!! My C-Section took 44 mins from when we left the labour suite to baby being born and by 5am I was in recovery.

** AFTER BIRTH **
Toilet Time :: Never will you know a fear stronger than that of having to go to the toilet within the first 48 hours of having had a  baby. The pain? Oh no, the pain isn’t the problem, as it’s really not that painful, but the pressure…especially if you’vehad a section…I hear if you’ve had a vaginal birth that it stings a fair bit down there, but I can’t corroborate this.

Rootin’-Tootin’ :: If you’ve had a section then you’ve had someone rumage in your guts like old ladies at a jumble sale, and this doesn’t leave you the minute you’re sewn back up….noooo…expect a hell of a lot of trapped wind…these farts won’t smell but there’ll be lots of them and the pressure is a nightmare…so suck lots of peppermints and drink lots of water.

Bleedin’ Nora :: You will bleed obviously, and you’ll bleed for a while….at least 10 days minimum. Just be sure to change the pad every hour or so lest you soak through…

Ermentrude :: Speaking of soaking….milk will run out of you like water out of a tap, often without warning and for no reason, so invest heavily in breast pads. Change these after every feed. You’d be wise to invest in a breast pump and when these random letdowns occur, catch it and express it to use when necessary.

Scar Fun :: So you’ve had a section. You will get a bed bath a few hours later.

So here ends the joys pregnancy and the first few hours of motherhood…watch this space for a new entry filled with joys of being a first time mum.