It’s all about self preservation darling.

I’m writing this because I feel I need to spew a little. spew as in vent.  not as in barf. If you’re reading this then hopefully you’ll have read the previous entries from the past 6months and you’ll understand. Don’t judge me. Just try to understand it’s all about self preservation.

So today has been the moment when the penny has dropped. As you all know by now, I’m sure, I’m on crutches, and almost completley dependant on Elle doing everything, with exception of gettign up/down stairs, going to the toilet and few others. But for things like fetching, carrying, cooking etc I need her to do it for me. So this morning she has to go to the doctors, so I got her up at 9am because her appointment is at 10;15. Our doctors surgery is literallyaround the corner. 7 minute walk (inc crossing the busy main road) and 4 minutes in the car (inc parking). So she got up at 9:05 and spent about 25 minutes in the shower which took us to like 9:40. She said what do you want for breakfast, so I said “Can I have scrambled eggs & warm petit pain?” It takes like 5 minutes to cook. Fair enough we had no eggs. No problem. So I said to her, “I’m going to go back to bed because I feel like shit, can I just have some warm petit pain with butter?” which takes what? 3 minutes maximum? and I got

“But babe it’s ten to ten and I’ve got to do me car yet” (it’s been snowing.)

and I said to her

“Oh, it’s ok I’ll wait, can you pass me something just to eat now because i feel like my sugars are dropping.”

“Can’t you just wait, I’m already waiting on you hand and foot!”

“Ok babe, I’ll wait then, I’m going back bed, I feel dizzy.”

So now I know the penny has dropped. She doesn’t give a shit. I’ve been trying to convince myself that she does care about me and that what I’m doing with putting money aside and ploitting to get out is me being vile, but clearly she doesn’t care. When I sit and think about all the stuff that she’s said she’ll do and hasn’t, or about the times when she should have been there and wasn’t or even about the things I HAVE to do for her because we’re a couple but then when the tables are turned it’s still down to me I could just cry. I’m at the stage where I now know that I am no longer in love with her, and I’m starting to doubt whether or not I even love her at all anymore, I feel as though that as the days pass I’m starting to despise and resent her. I wish I could tell her this but look at what happend last time, so I can’t as I need to keep this roof over my head for now.

But on a plus note, Ellen & Annies next door neighbour at No. 44 (i lived at No. 40) are being complained about on a regular basis, so I’m going to speak to their mum Liz and try to get that house when it comes back free again. As long as I’m working I can afford the rent and bills and I’m a student so I won’t have to pay council tax (HUGE RELIEF) which will get me free Vet Care for the girls, which will be a big help. There’s Weight Watchers meetings locally there. It’s closer to Uni. I’ll have to get a parking permit for my car, but that’s OK but I’ll need to find a driving instructor and somebody that can come in the car with me. If not, Annie’s boyfriend can take her for a spin a couple of times a week, he can’t be in the car with me driving because he’s not been driving for long enough.

I won’t leave Elle in the lurch with regard to the credit cards, I’ll give her £30 a month (exactly half the amount of the combined min. payment) for them if she wants it. but to do all this I have to keep the peace until about May. So I’m going to speak to Liz about it when I’m off the crutches, and get her to plug me to the landlady, and get the landlady’s details. I’ll be honest with her and I’ll tell her that Liz can give me a reference, as can the neighbourhood matriarch who knows everything about everyone. I’ve just got to get a new job first.

So it’s time to say stuff her, it’s time to look after me and get myself sorted and move on, the time has come, I’ll be the best thing she ever lost, and one day in ten years time, I’ll be happy.