I’ll Die Living Just As Free As My Hair…

So….

I started writing this before I went for my appointment, but things have changed so I scrubbed it and I’m starting again.

Today was the day. Today I went back into therapy. Clinical Hypnotherapy & NLP to be precise. I won’t lie, I was an absolute mess this morning when I got up, my stomach was going over and over, I was ready to write the whole day off and hide. I was ready to run but I didn’t. I put my big girl panties on, sucked up life through a straw and went in to class because if I hide then who the fuck knows when I’ll re-emerge, I don’t have time for agoraphobia now not with 2 kids in tow. I’m not 21 anymore, I can’t be housebound with no consequences. ANYWAY. I made it as far as about half 9 this morning without being sick, FTR my face needs to NEVER be that close to a college toilet bowl ever again. Yeurgh. People are filthy, and not in the good way either. So I did my 4 hours in class and passed as a functioning human being, which is always good when inside you feel like you just want to crawl up your own arse and die.

So I get to her office and she tells me to go wait in her actual office, by this time my heart’s in my mouth, RPM’s through the roof, mouth’s drier than a badgers arse. The room’s spinning and I’m pretty sure I’m going to pass out, then she walks in, sits down for the basic admin and then the question…”So what’s brought you here?” and then I told her EVERYTHING. Everything from the real reason we moved here when I was a baby, the neglect, beatings and force feedings I suffered  as a child, the loathing and hatred from WSM when Ma packed me off for “their turn”, the molestation from Ma’s third and final husband, the eating disorders,  Elle, Dick and the rapes…the whole fucking story. According to the clinical questionnaire (the same one the GP uses before they sign you up for meds) I’m Severely Depressed and have the Anxiety to match. That’s alongside the OCD, Panic and ED. Eyes down for Full House troops. Then she explained what was going to happen, inside my head was screaming to run for the hills at this point, that this was never going to work, but I stuck on in there because if there’s one label I absolutely REFUSE to have stuck on me then it’s “Quitter”. I put the headphones on as instructed and we began, and fuck me it was possibly the trippiest experience I’ve ever had. She started by getting to focus on my breathing, then to imagine that there was an aura of my favourite colour descending which would go on to wrap around me, cocooning. Then she asked the synesthete to imagine a sound for the colour;  it was, as it always has been Tingsha Bells then a smell was to be introduced, sandalwood. I have no clue where my brain pulled it from, but I love it so it was a good choice. All this combined was to bring a feeling of warmth, and it did. I felt safe, secure. I felt like it was maybe going to be ok. I could hear every word she said, I was still there, I was still in control. It was going to be ok. She took me on a journey through a garden to a fountain; the fountain was warm, it would cleanse me of the anxiety, the stress. Once cleansed I was taken to a house, the lower floor was the present and I was to stand in the present to see that it can’t hurt me. The cellar door was open, I wasn’t to go down to the cellar, that’s where all the hurt, pain and toxicity is packed away, instead I was to close and lock the cellar door before going upstairs to see the future, but obviously there was nothing there because it hasn’t happened yet – i think this was the penny dropped for me – she got me to open the cupboard door and it was full of possibility and opporutinity, that I CAN make the future whatever I want it to be. After this she got me to leave the house and return to the garden, and then she “brought me back” so to speak.

It was fucking phenomenal. I feel so much lighter, I was actually smiling, I haven’t really stopped smiling since, it feels strange on my face. It’s been a while since I truly smiled. I feel empowered again, like I’m ready to accept that the old Kit can be let go, that it’s ok to say goodbye to who I was and embrace whoever it is I’m becoming. I feel like I’m living a series finale of Dr Who, like I’m the one who’s regenerating and I’ve no clue who I’m about to be.

Then Straight Girl text and asked if I wanted to meet for coffee…so I said yes, but I had bloody good reason for doing so, tonight I had a plan. I was to wait for her at the college car park and we’d go for a coffee. Tonight I told her that I’m done with whatever it is she’s going through but that I am absolutely not coming to play this game with her, that I’m not a pawn for her to exploit whilst she tries to figure out what’s going on with her. I am nobody’s fuck toy, I’m not a guinea pig, I’m not a fantasy, I’m not an experiment and I’m sure as shit not going to be anybody’s dirty little secret. I’m worth more than that. Can someone please enlighten me as to why pretty straight girls are SO affronted when you put your little lesbian foot down and tell them no? I fear my friends, that the answer to that one is also blowing in the wind.

The tides have turned.