I Quit Twice A Day

How do you recover from trauma? The pain is there and so very real but I’m unable to pinpoint the injury, to locate the wound from where I feel like I’m bleeding so profusely. There’s nothing that stems the flow, no way of closing the incision. In order to stitch myself shut I have to hemorrhage memories, feelings and emotions; constantly picking at this invisible scab.

The thought of opening up in order to close this gaping sore within terrifies me.

There’s more to it than just being raped. A whole shitshow of potential fuckwittage that pre-dates what currently torments and taunts me plays inside my head. How do you even know when you’re ready to start to recover, how do you know when it’s time to start the healing process? When are you ready? Am I ready? This consistent stream of self-doubt flows through my veins, questioning if it’s my time. Am I reaady? I might be. I can’t go on like this forever, trapped within myself, constantly reaching for the shards of my former self that remain ever so slightly out of reach. Even if I were able to grasp hold of the, and stick myself back together somehow, I still wouldn’t be who I was. I remain tainted, I remain scarred.

Maybe that’s the key to it all? Maybe the key to recovery is accepting that I will  never be that girl again?

Maybe acceptance is where the journey starts?