Fed Up

I’m tired. So very tired. We stayed up arguing until late last night. Then this morning she claims to have seen a text on my phone that would suggest that I knew Ellen was coming. I never even saw this message nor could she find it when I asked her to show it to me. I hate mind fucks. Although that will be my fault no doubt. She’ll claim that I must’ve deleted it. I don’t know how much more I can take. I knew that when I started to feel better it wouldn’t last, because I’m not allowed happiness for some reason. Why can’t people just let me feel nice for once instead of feeling like shit all the time, and putting me down all the time. Why does real life suck. Why does she read my messages? It doesn’t bother me because I’ve got anything to hide it bothers me because it’s like I’m not entitled to any privacy. I don’t think this will last forever, in all honesty I’ll be suprised if it lasts the year out. I think I’ve made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I shouldn’t have given my house up. I think I’m going to look for another job. If I get another job that’s more central then I’m halfway towards freedom of sorts whereas right now I’m trapped in this community. But I think the job hunt will have to wait until I start Uni, then I’ll know what days I can work and stuff and how much time I can do and stuff like that. I’ll have to work it so that I’m working enough hours to still claim W.T.C perhaps then if it did all get too much then I could find a bedsit or something. But I’d need to find somewhere that allows pets.I would rather die than give up Millz. You would literally have to kill me. And I’ve told her that if ever we split that Millz comes with me as she is mine, she was in my life before Elle and just because we are a couple does not make Millz our dog, she’s not ours she’s mine. If any of this happens however, I shall not disappear from OD or anything like that but I shall disappear in real life as far as Elle and many others are concerned. Not that they will be concerned. I can pay the money off on Elle’s card that I owe and sort my other debt out, then that frees me of that. I don’t know why she keeps making everything so difficult, it’s like she wants us to split up but if we do we’ll both be pretty fucked. I’ll have nowhere to go and she won’t be able to afford this place on her own. Not yet anyways. I don’t see why she can’t just work with me and why she keeps kicking off at stupid shit. I just don’t know anymore. I need some sleep. My eyes are puffy and red and swollen and sore because of all the crying and the hayfever and the lack of sleep. My skins wrecked and I’m breaking out in spots. I’ve got Vicks Vaporub from yesterday coagulating on my chest and I smell. What am I turning into? What have I turned into? What is she doing to me?My hair needs a damn good wash too. When I look in the mirror I heave. I’m disgusted by what I’m looking at. So bollocks to all this heartbraking and angst. Today I am going to get up and do some housework. I’m then going to have a deep hot bubble bath and turn my music on loud. I’m going to put a facemask on and let it work some magic on my manky skin. I’m going sink and soak deep into the bubbles and absorb the music. I’m going to wash my hair, then condition it. twice. I’m going to (hopefully) shave my legs. and then when I get out I’m going to rub down, moisturise all over with my yummy mandarin & pink grapefruit body butter. I’m going to slick frizz ease through my hair and then dry it and straighten it perfectly. I’m going to put on something light and girly and when she walks through that door tonight I won’t be here. Because I’m going to mind fuck her for a change. About 5 when she finishes work I’m going to take Millz for a walk. A long walk. So that when she comes in and I’m not here and neither is Millz she’ll think that I’ve left and perhaps this is what it will take for her to realise whether she wants this to work or not. Perhaps I’m going to have to scare her like that. I think if we make it through the week it will be miraculous. Thank God tomorrow is Thursday. Then I can go to my counsellor and blab all out to her and see what she makes of it all. Roll on.