Fear

“Is knowing your weakness what made you strong?”
– Gnarls Barkley ; Smiley Faces.

Ok, I’ll admit it, I’m a phoney. I am the perfect personnification of a façade. I am a 22 year old female. I am White British. I am strong, yet I am filled with fear. Fear is my weakness which leads me straight down a path of self-loathin, it’s a vicious cycle. I know, and I keep telling  myself that it’s ok to have weaknesseses, it’s ok to be afraid, it’s ok to cry, but for some reson I can’t get this to register in my brain.

So what am I afraid of? Well, where to start? I am phobic with regard to heights and fast speeds, oh, and pigeons. When it comes to bog standard, straight up fear? The main one is failure. I strive for perfection as anything less sets of a domino process
I fail > what will people think > what will they say > how will I feel > what will I do > If I react badly I fail all over again.
and so the cycle begins again. So, in short, I’m scared of myself. I think this stems from the years of torment I suffered at the hands of the school bullies.

The biggest and worst fear I have? Food, and body image. The two are very much linked hand in hand, skipping across my every thought, every second of every day. At it’s best I will judge up whether it’s good, bad or toxic to put in my body, (I don’t feel deprived thouh) then I’ll eat it and if it’s even remotely naughty I worry until I can do something about it, and before you get any ideas I mean working out. At it’s worst, well there are two categories public eating vs private eating. With private eating, or say eating at a friends house I will feel so nauseous that it renders me unable to eat. If that’s not bad enough, the public eating effects are worse. From the minute I’m given the menu I begin to shake and tremble, in a vain bid to control it, I’ll order something like a soup or a salad. By the time the drinks arrive I’m still shaking and my heart is racing, I’m trying not to panic, to calm myself down. Then the food arrives and pushes me over the edge and it’s like I’m in slo-mo freefall, frantically trying to save myself. Eventually I accept it and excuse myself to the loo and I wind up crying, sat on the cistern, hyperventilating, and if it’s really bad, I’ll be that wound up and panicked that I’ll be [involuntarily] sick.  After 5-10 minutes I’ll start to calm down and and go back to the table and play with the food.To me this is one of the worst kinds of Hell, I HATE being sick.  I’ve suffered this since I was 17/18 and I’m now nearly 23 now. I dread to think what damage my mind has done to my body over the years. What I don’t get is why? I know I’m the one with the power but yet I seem unable to utilise it, no matter how hard I try or how many times I tell myself that I have the power. Why am I in this cycle? Do I believe what I’m telling myself? Yes, because I know it’s true. Don’t ask if I believe in myself because I don’t know if I believe in myself, I have phases where I do and phases where I don’t. Self-worth? Not much., but I’m tryin to see the good in myself. Jillian Michaels keeps saying that “if you don’t love yourself who else is gonna?”  and that makes sense when I think about it. The woman talks sense, proper sense. Mom & Nanny are all shades of pissed because they believe that they’ve been saying the same thin for years. They like to think they have, however, the reality is VERY different. Telling me how fat I am every time you see me is NOT supportive and doesn’t help in anyway, just not productive. Daddy, well Daddy is Daddy as ever and considering his choices he’s not exactly a role model and I still love him (despit the things he says to me about my weight – I’m such a dick like that!!).

The one thing I’m not afraid is being alone, at least not anymore. Now that I’m finally sinle I’m realising that I have wasted what should have been the best 12 years of my life on fuckwits who I let me treat like crap (again – such a dick!!) and I don’t deserve that and they most definately do not deserve me!! I know (yes, even I know!!) that I’m worth more that. I’m not bothered about finding someone else right now, I know what I want in a person now, I know what I need and I’m not going to compromise on that, I just need to applyt that to my whole life and I’ll be fine.

I think I need to sit in the pause now and try to find out who I actually am because I know what I want but I don’t know why.
It’s time to unlock the box and find out.