Dear Me,

You wrote this yesterday, in the morning, and then at lunchtime you had a full ball panic attack at college, in front of people. The shame you felt, are still feeling will break before you come back next week, it’s just the humiliation of  showing your vulnerability and weakness in front of others, and that’s ok as long as you deal with it rather than suppress it and bottle it up. Know that people were actually concerned, genuinely worried. I know it’s hard to believe, but they were. People DO want to help, you just have to let them in.  I hope you continue to realize how fucking lucky you are to have not only this diary, but an amazing collective of people who DO actually want to help. Daddy is always willing and able to listen, even when he knows he can’t help, which btw, breaks his fucking heart in two, but he does it because he loves you so much. He might not always have made the best choices in life (gee, wonder where you get it from Toots??) but since he came to that realization and apologized for the shitshow you endured as a child, he’s been striving to prove to you how much he cares, he’s more than earned his redemption for all that went on before. Lucie seems to have always been there, you know she has her own issues so you don’t always turn to her, but let’s face it, when you do, she’s thereto wipe tears from your cheeks and she’s even wiped your nose. That’s a true friend, and you don’t have many of them. Monday is Monday, I’m pretty sure that the year we spent together, she’d sit and listen, but you’re too scared to open up to her, but don’t push her away because she has true friend potential and it would such a shame to lose her from your life. You might not know anyone properly at work, but that’s OK, you don’t have to yet. That will come in time, if you want it to.  As for college, well, the majority of your classmates are a bunch of diddies but Gabby and Susan genuinely seem like they sincerely want to ve there for you, let them, not everyone is out to get you. The lecturing team you have are exceptional, but how can they help if they don’t know you’re struggling? Pip will always listen, she knows you of old, and you know she can be trusted, she’s seen you at your worst, and at your best. Turn to her, you can confide in her. Rita has gone above and beyond for you given the short time she’s known you. Not many would, nor could they help you the way that she has. The best way to show her your appreciation is to listen to her, take it on board and get better.

Things are about to get tough again, and I hope when they do that you re-read this, read it over and over until you feel better again, until the urges disappear, until the tears dry; it’s OK to cry. I know it’s happened a lot lately, and you thought you’d forgotten how to, but you haven’t and you need to start letting it out. You need to let it all out, that’s the only way you’re going to be able to get through this chapter of your life. You’re going to need to need to hear what you’re about to tell yourself from somewehere over the next month or so.

You are truly incredible. You are such a fucking badass to have come through the life you have had. You were let down at every turn by every single person that should have been there to catch you. You’ve suffered abuse, neglect and indifference from everyone who’s ever claimed to love you. You’ve been betrayed at every opportunity, and you’re still here, still standing with your head high, still laughing even when you feel like you’re dying inside, you’re still fighting. You’ve got the bravest face known to man, ok it’s never going to win you any poker tournaments but you can convince everyone you’re fine, and whilst that’s fine in front of the kids, can you PLEASE remember that it’s ok to not be ok. You tell patients all the time that we all need a little help sometimes and that it’s just their turn, well this is your turn and there’s NO shame in asking for that help. There are plenty of people who are ready, willing and able to hurt you in this life, you don’t need to be one of them, you don’t need to hurt yourself; stop punishing yourself, you’re human too, despite what you’ve been told your entire life.

You’re allowed to make mistakes too, it’s part of human nature.

Just be you, for once in your life be unashamed. Be free, you deserve to be liberated from the pain now. Enough is enough. Pain is supposed to be temporary, so let go, it’s time to be like the Phoenix and rise from the ashes of your life. The fire is out.

Love yourself.