Dear Elle

So, I’ve been thinking, thinking about everything, and in all honesty, I’m upset, I’m disappointed and I’m bloody angry. Why? Because as I think back and I hear you tell me you love me and all that jazz I try to think about when you’ve ever publicly shown me even the smallest affection. The answer? When we’re in Pink and it’s dead, and that’s about it. You say if we go away for a day to Birmingham or Manchester or wherever then you’d hold my hand, well hang on, we went to Fuerteventura and you didn’t hold my hand or kiss me, it’s 4000 miles away, who the hell are you going to “bump” into there? When we go to parties, you barely even speak to me, far less hold my hand or God forbid, dance with me. Then the last dance comes on and what am I doing? I’m either sat by myself like a fucking fool, or I’m looking after your Mum because she’s so drunk, whilst you dance with your Dad or Alex or whoever, WELL WHAT ABOUT ME? I am so annoyed with myself for letting myself go two and a half years, only getting affection when it suits you, I want someone who’s not ashamed to hold my hand in public, I want someone who will do more than talk to me occasionally or ask me if the buffet’s open at parties, I want someone who will SHOW me that they adore me, and they do exist. All you do is tell me that you love me and make dinners or buy nice presents or do those things that I don’t ask for, well guess what? I’d swap ALL that for someone to hold my hand, and kiss me in public and dance with me at parties, but then you’re not affectionate, so you tell me anyways. I NEED more than that, and I’ve had enough of your stupid fucking tantrums and sulks that you throw whenever you don’t get your own way, for God’s sakes, your nearly 30 years old, you’re not a child, tantrums aren’t even cute on a child, so what makes you think that it has any sort of endearing quality on you, a grown woman? It’s embarrassing is what it is, like that sulk you threw around Birmingham when Nan was visiting, I was so embarrassed, in fact no, I was ashamed to be with you and I was even more ashamed of myself, not just because Nanny was here, but because I was trailing this overgrown baby around like a stupid fucking puppy dog trying to make things right. Is it just that you’re emotional or is all just one big mindfuck? Like you say, it got you the reaction you wanted when we first got together, perhaps that’s why you still do it, or is it because it’s worked for you your whole life, with everyone in your whole life and you think I’m going to take that RIDICULOUS behaviour forever, you think that’s the role model I want to give my children? You think that we’d even get to children with that behaviour? I’m not saying I’m perfect, I’m FAR from it, and yes I’ve thrown my own hissy fits, but only when you have crossed the line. I’m not saying that it’s fair or right, but it’s how I feel. I’m not prepared to run every decision we have to make through your family, they are our decisions to make and sure, ask them for advice but no way are they making our or my decisions, and I’m not prepared to live with having our decisions undermined and not being able to say anything about it , just in case it starts a row, no way sweetheart, I NEED someone who is close to their family, yes, but is also independent in their own right, and I don’t truly believe you are, nor, ever will be. I’m disappointed in the way this has turned out and I’m angry with myself for begging you to make this work that time in Pink, when you wanted to walk away 3 weeks in, I should have let you go, I should have realised then. Well I need you to know that I am the girl with the tattoos, the girl with the piercings and if I want more, so what? It’s not hurting anyone, but wait, it’s embarrassing you because you can’t handle the person I am, no more than I can handle who you are. You can’t handle the fact that I like tattoos and piercing, you can’t handle that I smoke, you can’t handle that I’m desperate to get my education whilst I’m still young enough to break into the industry in the right places, in order to set us up for life so that you can stay at home with the children if that’s what you choose to do, and you wouldn’t have to worry about money. I’m not prepared to work the rest of my life in a supermarket like my Mum, or in a bank like Mark, I can and will do more with my life, I am not stupid, I am actually quite intelligent and I am not going to waste that intelligence onsome 9-5 stuck in arut, here today, gone tomorrow job. I am going to make something of my life, with or without you, I had hoped it would be with you, but seeing as you had such trouble supporting me before, it would seem it’s going to be without you. I know how awful this makes me sound, and I’m not going to ask you to do anything that you’re not prepared to do, because I’m not like that. Why should I expect you to stay with someone who is such an embarrassment to you? Well I wouldn’t, nor, am I going to ask you to change anything about yourself, because that hasn’t made you happy in so far and nor will it. I got fed up of being told that I’m holding you back, that I don’t treat you right, that I don’t do nice things for you, that I don’t anything around the house, and the fact that you TWICE accused me of raising hands to you, when we both know that just ain’t the truth really gets my goat, it makes me sick to my stomach that you could think that of me, that you could accuse me, me who has done nothing but everything that you ever fucking ask, or at the very least tried to do those things, well, it shows me how much you love me. And yes, I am angry, I am furious at all this, when I look back and I think about it all it makes me question why you wanted me to live with you and every time I wind up asking myself “Could it really have just been for the money?” because that’s how it feels, I feel like I’ve been taken for such a fucking fool, I feel embarrassed to go out the door, because I feel that everyone but me is in on the joke and that they’re going to laugh at me. And I gave up everything for you, I gave up my job and my home, and OK let’s face facts and use your words it might have been a “fucking shithole” filled with a load of old “junk” but that “shithole” and that “load of old junk” was MINE and no-one was going to take it away from me, and no you didn’t take it away from me, no you convinced me that I could trust in you, so I did (more fool me) and I gave everything up for YOU and that was the most stupid thing I have ever done, I should have kept it all like Ma advised me to. Like she warned me to. I don’t know how she does it, but somehow she’s always right. She warned me that this would happen, and I refused to believe her, in fact I didn’t speak to her for about a month because of that , because I was so outraged that she could think that. I actually went against my family for you and how stupid must Ma think I am now, as she was so right. I had people on the scene warn me about you, but I ignored them, I figured they were just bullshitting, trying to cause trouble, now I’m not so sure. I feel a complete fucking fool. I feel used, I feel let down and I feel worn out. The reason it’s taken so long to write this is because I’ve been thinking about all this and I can’t believe how much built up anger I have over all this, I’ve also been speaking to Relate about it all. They advised me to write this rather than meet face to face, All you’ve lost Elle, is a girlfriend, I’ve lost my home, I’ve lost my girlfriend, I’ve lost a family, I’ve lost a nephew, I’ve lost the future we planned, I’ve lost I’ve lost all the trust I had in people and I’ve lost faith in you. In short I’ve lost EVERYTHING. You’ve had to replace a few things, sure, I’ve had to start all over again. So forgive me for being angry, but I like I told you I wanted to discover how I feel about it all, and all I feel is angry, upset and tortured, so please forgive me for feeling that way, but when I look back I just can’t help it. If you still want to be friends, or put your side across then text me and we’ll meet somewhere and take it from there. If not, then I guess it’s goodbye, but either way, I don’t think I want us to get back together, I don’t want to go back to that. I’m no-ones fool, and no-one’s embarrassment. It’s down to you what happens now.