Can’t Seem To Keep It Inside.

Ok, I think this counselling has completely unlocked me, and I’m not sure whether or not that’s a good thing or a bad thing.I just don’t know. I feel like everything that’s going on inside me has got to come out, in one way or another. That really sucks, mainly as if it doesn’t come out normally, you know crying and shouting and all that shit, then it’s going to come out in an abnormal way, like cutting and burning and scratching. which is even crazier than everything coming out. Does that make sense? I don’t think it does, and it’s going on in my mind. I hope I don’t sound too crazy. I feel like this is the only place, other than counselling that I can really open up fully, maybe even more than in counselling. Here, I don’t know, I just feel like I can just get it all out, I can scream and cry and sob and weep all I want, and it doesn’t matter because none of you can see or probably ever see me, whereas, in counselling, and real life I feel like I’ve got to wrap it all up inside and lock it away, away from the world and the people around me, like I’ve got to do that in order to protect everyone and myself from the way I’m feeling. Even I know I’m not normal. In my day to day life I keep my head down. I don’t want to make eye contact with people, it makes me feel like I’m even less of a being, like I don’t deserve to exists, I just keep my head down and fix my gaze in the distance, because then no-one can get close, if I can’t see you, you won’t stop me, you won’t want to talk to me, then I feel safe. Safe from feeling like you’re too close. I want people to be there with me, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t them getting so close that they can judge who I am and think that they know me when they don’t.

I feel like I want my life back yet I can’t remember a life without this pain, I don’t think I ever had a life that wasn’t filled with pain of some sort. I try not to think about life, I try to just engulf my mind with facts and figures, so that there’s no room for any other thoughts, I don’t want to have any other thoughts, especially not about life, it just takes me back to the past and that only makes the pain worse.

I know you are all probably tired of hearing about all this but I’m not writing this for you, I’m writing all this for me. I do it because I need to do this. If any of you do get anything from this then I’m pleased for you, really I am but that was not why I started writing all this down. I’m pleased if one of you gets some comfort or solace from knowing you’re not the only one. But really these entries are for me, they express how I’m feeling, I’m not looking for advice, but if you offer it I won’t reject it.I’m not looking for kind words but if you pass them they will be welcomed. I’m not looking for anything other than relief from myself, my mind and my pain.That’s all I want and all I ask for.