Burning Arrow.

So,

I haven’t felt like I’ve really had anything within me of substance to write about.
Tonight that changes.

I’ve just had another moment of realisation.
The S/H, the S/I, the S/M, the EDs, and everything else,
I know why I do it.
I do it because I hate myself.
Truly I do.
And I don’t know why.
I hope your sitting comfortably this could be a long one.

I’ve never felt like enough.
I’ve never been enough,
even for my parents.
for anybody.
Or for myself.

Sometimes  I want to ask my parents
Why wasn’t I  ever good enough?
But what’s the point?
I’d just get flat out denials, passive-aggresive deflection or an arguement.
All I ever wanted was a normal family,
but by the age of 6 I was praying they’d get divorced.
I never understood.
What did I do wrong?

All my life I’ve been the scapegoat.
All my life my parents allowed me to be used as the scapegoat.
As a pawn in their games, and not just against each other.
And then at 17 I find myself on my own,
still allowing people to shit on me
I didn’t know any better.

All my adult life I’ve allowed people to walk over me,
to shit on me,
to hurt me,
I don’t really know any better.
I’ve spent forever in the middle of confrontstions and I don’t want it.
I don’t enjoy that.

I just wish I had an off button,
a pause button,
a whole set of controls.

I’m never going to promise that I will never again draw a blade across the tender flesh of my wrists,
I’m never going to promise that I will never again swallow a laxative with the wrong intentions.
I’m never going to promise that I will never again hurt myself or allow others to do it.
I can’t make those promises knowing there’s a possibilty I might break them.

I never really wrote about my anorexia in here.
I wish I had.
But then how can you write about something you see as normal behaviour?
I was too ashamed to write about the recovery.
I know I only have 20lbs left to lose now,
I keep saying I’ll know to stop but will I be able to?
Saying you will be able and actually being able are very different things,
That’s what’s scaring me the most about the weight loss. When I went to my mothers with Kel and I was thin, things were different,
it was like I’d finally done something she approved of.
Most people when they find out they’re child suffered from anorexia would be worried about them going down a weight loss path.
My mother wasn’t even worried when she found out I’d been anorexic.
“At least you were thin”

I know I’m never going to be good enough in my parents eyes.
Which is a shame.
Because I think I’m a pretty  decent person,
despite their input in my life.
They’ve taught me not to be the same as them.
To be the opposite to them.

I’ve got to stop living life at 60%.