07/29/2009

So today, me and Kimmi went to Chester, it’s the furthest I ever drove, She has a VW Camper van and the suspension springs snapped, so we had to drive to her friends garage to get a new one. It’s like an hour and a half on each way, especially as we had to avoid the motorway. So that was great fun, Me & Kimmi hitting the semi-open road again. Anyways she just left, but Elle text me just before she left saying she needed to talk to me about stuff, so I asked her what and it was all how she needs me and blah blah blah. So I replied and told her that she doesn’t need me, she never did, she just thinks she does because I’m not there and she’s on her own. She text me back saying she does need me and she loves me so much and whatever, and I replied again, telling her she doesn’t need me, she said it herself, so it’s too little too late really. Then she text saying it’s not too little too late, she wants to get back together, all on my terms, and whatever. So I text and her and told her that if she couldn’t tell me that she needed me when were together, even if it just were to placate me, to just show that there was some appreciation for what I did and was trying to do, then it was definately too little, too late, I told her that I am broken because of it all and consequently want to stay on my own in order to rebuild myself, get back to being me. She’s replied again saying that it was all because of her anxiety and depression, so I’m in the process of texting her back.  So far all I have is that I told her I couldn’t carry on how things were yet she didn’t/wouldn’t/couldn’t see/believe it, and how she was fine with everyone else, her friends and family, it was just me she was vile to, and why would I take the risk of going back to that? SO now after a wonderful day I feel like shit. All because of her. I can’t have this all the time and it’s not fair to expect me to put up with it. No way. I honestly feel like crying right now, it’s startin to get to me, I can’t wait to get away and go Majorca. I’m taking my phone but I’m just going to put a PAYG sim card in it, so she can’t contact me while I’m away, but yeah, back to the misery. I’m starting to feel like I’m going around in circles, like I’m running an endless wheel and getting no-where. TRAPPED. I dread think how I’d be reacting to it all without the Prozac, and I’ve no desire to find out.

*UPDATE* she’s text me again, admitting that she took me and our relationship for advantage, which means she thought she could treat me like that and get away with it, that is what it means isn’t it? Be honest. *END UPDATE*

I really feel like crying, so I think I’m going to go  head to bed and just have that cry. I  won’t cut, I can promise you that, but only because I have no clean knives and I don’t keep pins in the house because of my past. I shall be fine by morning. I know this much to be true.

*UPDATE* I’ve told her that I’m not going back because I’ve done that before and got hurt and I’m doin that again. *END UPDATE*. Right I’m going to bed now.