Decisions

You make decisions all the time…whether to turn left or right…what to wear out…what to have for dinner. It’s an unconscious thing that you don’t normally realize until you come to a decision that you don’t want to make. A decision that’s right…but it still hurts.

I made…or was maybe forced into making…a decision about M. I still love him, with my heart and soul, but it’s never going to work. He’ll never leave R and I’m not content being second choice.

I just laughed after I wrote that. The laugh was disgust, regret, hurt and hate all rolled into one.

Surprisingly enough, we’re still friends. Actually he’s my best friend behind H, which says a lot about him. He understands me. He can tell my moods from how I type on AIM. He can look in my eyes and know what I’m thinking. He can see when I’m hiding behind the face I put on for people. He can tell when I bury things…which pisses him off. I can tell him just about anything. Obviously I can’t tell him how I hurt when I see the 2 of them together (that gets saved for H). I’m pretty much an open book to him.

We had this lovely talk this past Tuesday. What a joy it was for me to hear him say all this to me. I know that it took a lot for him to say it. I applaud him for having the guts to say it to me, instead of just turning the other way…instead of running. He could have just stopped calling, blocked me on AIM, not answered the phone when I called, not answer the door when I drove over there after being ignored for too long. I’m proud of him for that. But damn if it makes it hurt any less. “You know I love you to pieces, right? You know I consider you my best friend don’t you?” I could have reached through the phone and ripped his throat apart. Not out of hate or anger…just so he couldn’t say the words I didn’t want to hear.

H….damn H for being right in all this. Damn her for telling me that I was getting too attached, that nothing was going to change. And damn me for not listening.

M said that he doesn’t want to lose me, he wants to be able to have me in his life 10 years from now. I told him I make no promises. Why? Because I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle seeing them married, having kids, whatever. I’m a strong person…just don’t know if I’m that strong. I know that I could do it. Put on the “I’m happy, all is right with the world” face but he would see right through it. Can I get so good at burying my feelings that I could hide them from him? I don’t know…maybe…doubtful but anything is possible. I guess the real question is do I want to. Do I think the friendship is worth it. Can I justify it.

I’ll just cross that bridge when it comes. What else can I do?

{{{Hugz}}}

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November 20, 2004

You’re a strong person. 🙂