4/17/04

What am I doing?

Seriously…what am I thinking? Of course most people would probably say that I’m not thinking at all. That’s not it, it’s that I’m in love (at least that’s what it feels like) so my heart is doing all the thinking.

The question is, can you be in love with someone you have never met?

Not that any of this really matters. He has a girlfriend that he’s been with for a long time…they live together for goodness sake. But I hear how he talks about her, he sounds unhappy. Of course, he could be exaggerating everything.

We were chatting one afternoon, sharing stories about meeting people at shows.

M: Tyson (a mutual friend) called out to me at the show “Hey M, hey Amy”
*It was at this point I started to get a little confused. We have never been to a show together. I figured it was just a slip*
M: Tyson started walking over to this guy and I heard him say “Hey Sean, let me introduce you to M & Amy”
*I’m getting even more confused.*
M: This was the couple I was telling you about, M & Amy

At this point I stopped him and asked what the hell he was talking about.

M: This show that R and I were at. Aren’t you paying attention?

Yes, I was. When you say my name instead of your girlfriends I get a bit confused. Sorry.

He’ll be at 3 of the same ‘DMB Weekends’ that I will. Deer Creek (Indiana), Alpine (Wisconsin) and Gorge (Washington). Points from each weekend…

Deer Creek
-I’ll be with A, whom he doesn’t know. I think they’ve talked twice. So the friends I’ll be seeing there don’t know him
-Our hotels will be nowhere near each other
-He’ll be with R. He says he’s scared to have her and I in the same place together

Alpine
-I’m camping with about 14 other people. 5 of those people are from South Cali and he knows them
-I will know close to everyone there. Which means I will be bouncing from group to group to group to say hi. Less time spent on my campsite and it will be harder to find me
-See point 3 from above
-He and R are staying in a hotel

Gorge
-I’m camping with a bunch of people and he knows almost all of them
-See points 3 & 4 from above

My point to all this? My chances of meeting/seeing him at these shows

Deer Creek – Hell no, but a miracle may occur 7%
Alpine – I’ll have 5 people with me that he knows and will more than likely make it a point to say hi to 42%
Gorge – He’ll know damn near everyone 98%

Sometimes the nancies world is too small

I was out in Cali for almost 2 weeks in February. I flew into LA, stayed a week then drove up the coast to San Fran. During the week I was in LA we were suppose to meet up. He wanted to take me to Disney and the South Cali nancies had set up a night out to go to a bar in West Hollywood. He said he was gonna go.

He did neither.

He never called to go to Disney. He told me later that he didn’t have my cell phone number to get ahold of me. Not a good enough excuse. He could have called any number of people to get it.

The night we were going to the bar my cousin and I were running late. I was suppose to be there by 7:30 but because of shitty traffic on the 405 got there at 8:15. I knew that they were sitting in the corner, to the left of the door. M had told me that I would be able to pick him out of the group because he was gonna wear his Kings hat for me. I remember laughing about it, telling him he was only wearing it to bother me.

i walked in and glanced around, seeing 3 girls jump up and come running over. As I turned to hug one of them I looked at the table and there was no one wearing a hat…he wasn’t there. I made my way over to the table

Me: Hey B, where’s M?
B: You just missed his call
Me: What did he say?
B: He wanted to know if you were here yet. He wanted to talk to you.
*I could tell he was stalling*
Me: Why?
B: He’s not coming
Me: Get him on the phone
B: I don’t think that’s-
Me: Get him on the phone or I will call him myself. I don’t think R would take to kindly to hearing a female voice on the phone.
B: Aw hell

I let B get out 2 words before snatching the phone away and telling M that I couldn’t believe he wasn’t coming. He kept apologizing, telling me he would explain everything later. I kept yelling, loudly, that I couldn’t believe him. I flew 2500 miles to see everyone, especially him, and he couldn’t even come up to have one fucking drink with me. Then I hung up on him.

By the time I got home 6 days later I hadn’t talked to him or checked my email. When I logged onto AIM he was there. He sent me an IM asking if we could talk, I told him there wasn’t much to say. He wanted to explain what happened, I said fine.

He had planned to go and R was gonna come with him but that morning she said she didn’t feel well and wasn’t going to go. M said that he was going anyways and she was ok with that. Five minutes before he was suppose to leave she said she didn’t feel comfortable with the situation. She didn’t want him to go without her, but she refused to go. They argued and he gave in.

Looking back, I shouldn’t have been shocked or hurt or upset or angry but I was. I left the bar that night and cried almost the entire way home.

one of the girls that knows the both of us says that he’s unhappy in the relationship but it’s comfortable. She could be right. I wish she was right but I can’t waste my time waiting to see if that’s true.

Then again…that’s exactly what I’m doing