Where did it go wrong?

Three weeks ago, my engagement ended.

Her name was Sarah and I’ve known her since 4th grade. It wasn’t until 8th grade where I started to fall for her. That summer, we spent time talking on the phone. I had a giant crush on her, but not having the guts to tell her that, I wrote her a letter asking her out and mailed it to her. She wrote back, and she politely said no, but we remained friends.

We eventually lost contact.

In 2015, we reconnected on Facebook. She was divorced and a mother of two kids. I asked her out again and she told me she wasn’t ready to enter into a relationship. The summer of 2016, I asked her again and she finally said yes. We met at this local pub in the area and talked for a few hours. Being the shy coward that I am, I texted her after hanging out that I thought she was hot in which she playfully and perhaps a bit arrogantly said: “I know.” I asked her out again for the following week and she agreed.

A few days later, she asked about the letter I sent her in high school. The one where I asked her out. She asked if I really sent that because she couldn’t remember. I told her about my crush on her and things got flirty after that. A few weeks later, we were officially in a relationship. I felt things came full circle. The girl who never left my mind was finally mine. Everything about her made me want her more. Her personality, her looks,and her scent. In previous relationships, I always felt something lacked. A void. This feeling that I wasn’t really happy. Now I was.

A about a month into the relationship, she introduced me to her kids. She had a girl and a boy. The girl was five at the time and the boy was three. They bonded to me, liked me, and and I liked them. Eventually, we all loved each other. I never wanted to be in a relationship with someone who had kids. I never wanted that responsibility, but with them, something changed in me and I felt they were this amazing extension of love that I had for their mother. I felt happy and complete. That I found the happiness that I’ve been looking for all my life.

There were downfalls with Sarah. She was inconsiderate at times. Impulsive. She would be distant at times and not very affectionate. Initially, she’d listen and care about my concerns, but as time went on, she stopped caring how I felt. All I wanted was to be close, but she got selfish and cold at times and it hurt. It hurt a lot. It turned into a roller coaster of good times and bad times, as all relationships have, but it started to feel one sided. Still, because I loved her so much, be it rational or not, I couldn’t and wouldn’t give up. Sarah along with her kids were my everything and I promised I was going to buy a house and give them the life they deserved. A life filled with good memories and happiness.

I began my promise by getting a job with USPS in a plant as a clerk. I knew I was going to have to sacrifice my time, being there 6 days a week and missing so many important things like holidays and birthdays, but it was worth it because I’d be giving them something greater in the end. I loved them and their happiness and security was my passion.

In February of this year, I popped the question. She said yes and she seemed so excited about the wedding planning. She even bought us these cute coffee mugs that said wifey and hubby. Her kids were so enthused. Sarah’s daughter asked her that when we moved in together if she could call me dad. I can’t begin to tell you how happy that made me at the time and how sad that makes me today. I love those kids as my own and I miss them so much.

But something was off with Sarah. Again, she’d have these bouts of lacking affection and empathy. Her family has a history of mental illness. Her father would get erratic and would even attempt suicide multiple times. I won’t want to excuse Sarah’s behavior, but I often wondered if she was manic depressive or bi-polar. I honestly can’t say.

During my last effort to reach out and tell her how she seems distant, she told me that God is telling her that we shouldn’t get married and that we should end things.

God?

GOD!

Where was God to tell her no when I bought a seven thousand dollar engagement ring and asked her to marry me? Where was God when her daughter asked if she could call me dad? Where was God when I put nonrefundable deposits on the reception hall and other various things. Funny how God decided to wait that night and not before.

This wasn’t God telling her. This was her decision.

I cried that night, but after that, I didn’t feel much. Maybe I was in shock, maybe deep down I knew it was coming, or maybe something else. However, the past few days, I’m starting to feel it now.

That’s why I’m here.