Here we go…

First post here…

I have been having a hard time escaping my head lately. I’ve found myself thinking a lot and so stuck in thought that I’m not fully aware of whats going on around me, or how long I’ve even been doing an activity while not mentally even being there.

I’m afraid I’m going through some changes in who I am and who i want to be and those changes don’t align with my current life…

I have a significant other, we have been together for about 4 years with a couple of breaks in the middle, I ended it each time for various reasons that all seemed stupid after some time had passed and then we would get back together and it would be good. that last break up was about 3 years ago. Lately, I have been finding myself more and more irritated at everything he does, more irritated with him for not putting things away, cleaning up after himself etc. I’m not his mother and I shouldn’t have to dictate to him what an adult is supposed to do! Today he asked me if i wanted him to do the dishes..like…why are you asking permission? just do them? I ended up yelling about it and he walked away saying he would leave me alone. Yes, please leave me alone. I feel like I am stuck. I feel like if I ever even decided to end it that I couldn’t because I would not have a place to live and I would probably have to find a new place to work. We work at the same place, and he worked there before I did. Unfortunately, it is not a very well paying job. I found myself looking for new jobs today. I found myself second guessing getting rid of my car the other day, if i did, I wouldn’t be able to run away if i wanted to. which then lead me to a realization that if I married this man, which I thought was something I wanted more than anything, then I would be legally stuck, and couldn’t just up and run if I needed to. that scared me.

Shortly after I started working with him, I started to have dreams about one of our coworkers. Nothing super racy, just like affectionate things. I have had three of them since then, and that was when I started to question whether or not I was actually happy with my current life situation. If I’m having dreams about another man, isn’t that a red flag? I certainly do find the other guy attractive, and am attracted to him. It certainly bothers me, particularly because they are friends.

A couple months ago I received an email from an old long distance pen pal from another country. We have communicated on and off for 9 years via email. Usually, it’s just emailing so the correspondence doesn’t last very long and eventually we fall out of touch. This time, we brought our friendship into 2020 and started snapchatting. We chatted for a while, the whole time I had to hide this from the SO because he knows about the pen pal, and knows that we had an attraction to each other in the past. I didn’t want him to get upset or worried and what not. I figured it would be alright to just have friendly conversation with an old friend. I thought i was secure in my relationship. I thought everything would be fine. It was not fine. Our conversations started getting more and more flirty. I realized I was thinking about him more and more, that I was fantasying about him. I decided to fizzle out our conversations and stop talking to him. It worked, and we didn’t speak for a few weeks. In that time, I felt more secure in my relationship again, though still getting frequently irritated, and I ended up having another dream about the coworker. Fun Fact: the coworker anf the pen pal look oddly similar in some ways.

Fast forward to about a week ago and the pen pal messages me out of the blue. I think, okay I can do this, just friends, no feelings, it’ll be all good. that lasted like, an hour tops.

I decided screw it, I’m going to have some fun. I haven’t felt this excited in so long, I deserve some fun.

And I’m back to where I was a couple months ago. except this time, the pen pal seems to be more serious, and has even suggested relocating.

This isn’t fair to my SO. It isn’t fair for the pen pal, as he doesn’t know I’m in a relationship. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know who to talk to. I don’t want to make some crazy life altering decision and then end up regretting it forever. I’ve done that too many times, but I’ve also missed out on things because I’ve been too busy appeasing my boyfriends. I just don’t know. I wish I could fly away and just not worry about it.